* fireworks toss
* illegally-procured home-made fireworks extravaganza
* noontime hottub party in Kansas!
* Revolutionary War field hospital re-enactments
* vegan picnic with Stevie Nicks
* Party at Bernie Madoff’s new place
* 4th of July parade of soccer moms wearing visors and capri pants
* Paul Revere’s charity 5K in powdered wigs
* my father-in-law’s party on July 2nd because he insists that’s the real Independence Day
* Bin Laden’s Blast!

A new glass balcony on Chicago’s Sears Tower gives sightseers an exciting new vantage point from which to pass out.

A Jonas Brother is engaged.  If you know a 12 year old girl, keep an eye on her, this is going to be a rough day.

US military officials believe that Operation Khanjar, or “strike of the sword” may be the coolest name for an operation in the long history of cool names of military operations.

You can climb around in the Statue of Liberty’s head again!  Tourists welcome the return of the New York tradition, which is right up there with seeing the Radio City Rockettes,  and getting stabbed.

64 percent of Americans say there’s been too much media coverage of Michael Jackson.  In fact, there’s been too much media coverage of media coverage of Michael Jackson.  And too much – oh great, now our heads are going to explode.

 Sony’s Walkman has hit 30.  Most baby boomers still have fond memories of the Walkman, as well as chronic lower back pain from having a player the size of a small refrigerator clipped to their belts.

The job market did not improve in June because, apparently, just saying things have improved does not actually improve them.

A squirrel bit through power lines and left a city in the dark.  The squirrel died, but official are not optimistic that other squirrels will learn from this.  

And finally, a celebrity who is not Michael Jackson is dead at 97.

* 3-finger Freddy’s annual home fireworks display
* kegger at Eisenhower’s grave
* “stuff you killed yourself” cook-out
* Fireworks-free Pia Zadora Singalong!
* single family parades
* Pic-nits
* red, white and flu vaccinations
* Libertarian dodgeball tournament
* Amish barn raising
* family reunion at nudist camp

After the longest election battle in the state’s history, Saturday Night Live comedian Al Franken has been named the new senator from Minnesota.  Franken plans to begin his term with new legislation that introduces a premise, repeats it in endless variations, and never really resolves itself.

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford held press interviews this week to “lay it all out” about how he “crossed the line” with a “handful of women.”  News analysts still can’t determine whether he’s confessing or bragging.

A new map of the earth is another important step in separating us from the people who care about things like maps of the earth.

Mourners at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral included Kate Jackson and Cheryl Tiegs. And, of course, the mysterious voice on the phone.

Farrah is being hailed as the “last of the pin-up girls“, replaced by supermodels and an endless stream of internet… well, let’s leave it at “replaced”.

 Sarah Palin says she could beat President Obama – in a long-distance run. Sure, pick on the smoker.

Turns out Michael Jackson patented that “leaning way forward” move from the “Smooth Criminal” video. So all y’all need to get down off your desks at work and stop doing that one.

Doctors are warning people against having “swine flu parties”, where parents and children get together with someone who is infected in order to fight the disease before a second pandemic wave.  Doctors cite research that says disease is a terrible theme for any festive occasion.

Dopey, an orange tabby cat, returned home 6 years after getting lost.  She was none the worse for wear, looked very much the same, and miraculously had not aged a day.  The girl who owns her likened the cat to that one goldfish she had when she was younger that lived for 11 years and occasionally changed size and color pattern after family vacations.

“In hell, every meal is a big family picnic.” - Bill

On “Better Off Ted”, Ted, Linda & Veronica share offices.
HR nervously waits outside.

by Bill

1. They could wind up being your boss someday.
2. Awkward subtext in all future conversations regarding jammed copier.
3. Those glances were actually part of a set-up for a practical joke.
4. Not totally convinced she’s not actually a man.
5. What do you think you are? A Congressman?
6. Seriously. Those little cameras are everywhere.
7. He’s gonna lose that cool car in the divorce.
8. You could wind up being their boss someday.
9. Stairwells, supply closets and cross-town motels all kind of unsanitary.
10. You’re not insane.

Bernie Madoff has been sentenced  one hundred and fifty (150!) years  for doing something very similar to what lots and lots of other  guys have done.

Michael Jackson’s chimp, Bubbles, is now 26 years old and thriving at a primate refuge where he “has not been told” of the recent events .  Mostly because, you know, he’s a chimp.

 The Department of Education has introduced a new program that caps student loan payments, making payment easier for down-on-their-luck graduates who  have been laid off from their jobs or majored in liberal arts.

An Oregon man had his wallet returned 63 years after he dropped it in his high school gym.  He says he can really use the cash contained in the wallet, although at 78 he’ll probably never get to use the Trojan.

Folks who bought tickets to one of Michael Jackson’s sold-out shows in London can either get cash refunds or a fancy souvenir ticket designed by Jackson and featuring his holographic image. Decisions, decisions. The ticket might be worth something someday. On the other hand, the cash might be worth something now.

You can get free tickets to a day-long music festival if you agree to volunteer. And, no, volunteering to lift your shirt for the band doesn’t count. 

Group boxing classes are growing in popularity, despite the fact that the spit bucket fills up real fast when a whole class uses it.

Recent poll confirms: Democrats are more likely to drive imports; Republicans are more likely to drive domestic cars; and each is more likely to drive the other kind of crazy.

“Most problems with co-workers can NOT be solved by kissing. Even really passionate kissing. Word to the wise.” – Dan

Cheerleading is the most dangerous of all high school sports.  The risks include broken bones, internal injuries, and if you’re a male cheerleader, several severe wedgies a day.

A boxer mix named Pabst has won the annual World’s Ugliest Dog contest.  With the $1600 prize, his owner will hire a trainer to shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.

Bernie Madoff faces sentencing today for stealing billions of dollars.  Should he enter prison, he will doubtless soon be heading the powerful gang of wealthy aging businessmen that run the yard, control cigarette sales, and decide what’s on the TV. 

The United States soccer team did better against Brazil than anyone thought they could.  Could this be the turning point?  Will soccer become our favorite sport where you can’t use your hands? 

Out of all the moving tributes to Michael Jackson, Beyonce’s has been the hottest. 

Billy Mays, the Oxy-Clean Guy, is dead at 50. Angels today are learning how they can “keep those robes sparkling white with just one EASY application, or DOUBLE YOUR MONEY BACK!

The average age most people consider “old” is 68, according to a recent study. The study may have been skewed, as those over 68 kept telling the pollsters to get off their lawns.

A 90-year old woman has donated 200 pints of blood. That’s more than 25 gallons. She says she kind of wishes she had spread it out over two visits, though. She’s a little woozy.

Oil prices have risen slightly on news that there is fighting in oil rich Nigeria.  Oil company executives announce the price increase with their usual sad-looking, reptilian eyes.

What do you do during a job interview if you are deemed “overqualified”?  Well, no one who has ever written for Shoebox would have any idea whatsoever.