by Russ
Some four decades ago American universities produced a staggering number of broadcast journalism graduates. An emergency plan was developed to get them off the streets where their dazzling, white smiles and perfect hair were a dangerous distraction to passing cars. Now they are safely behind video cameras talking about the same two or three news events for 24 hours straight. We salute you, Cable News, for keeping the traffic flowing freely!
“I’d try to build some thing using my own 2 hands, but I don’t want to go through the
rest of my life with no hands.” – Mark
A former adviser to President Obama says the democrats may get “slaughtered” in this years congressional elections, and for what?! They didn’t do anything! Oh, that’s why.
Crazy rich bankers manipulated figures and made bad decisions that led to the economic crisis. If we can’t trust crazy rich bankers, then who, we ask you, who can we trust?
President Obama has chosen the 10 charities that will receive his $1.4 million in Nobel Peace Prize money. They include a group that provides housing for families of patients at military hospitals, and a Haiti relief fund. Alas, the Newsdropping Writers’ Spring Break Party Fund was not included.
A chipmunk who set off a home burglary alarm has been captured and returned to the wild with his cheeks full of jewelry and his head full of stolen computer log-ins. Stupid humans! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Apparently Lindsey Vonn won another ski race thing, but since she didn’t crash or burst into flames, and since the Olympics are over, we’re not really paying attention.
New in theaters this weekend is “She’s Out of My League,” the story of a gawky guy’s romance with a super-hot woman. Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland” is also playing, in case you prefer something more realistic.
ABBA will not reunite Monday. So, for once there’s a reason not to hate Mondays.
A woman will reportedly coach a high school boys football team in Washington D.C. Opponents of the idea say that she will have a tougher time motivating the boys without the ability to sarcastically yell, “let’s go, ladies!”
A fight at a recent hockey game has one reporter thinking that criminal charges may be appropriate in order to stop hockey fights. Opponents of the idea are everyone who’s ever been to a hockey game who say, “Why else would we go to a hockey game?”
Phil Spector is appealing. Oh, not to us…
And now, yet another behind-the-scenes look at Shoebox…
“Winter is almost over! Soon, we’ll be able to complain about Spring.” – Dan
President Obama is telling people that it’s time for an “up or down vote” on health care. Sheesh. One election goes well for the guy, and suddenly all he wants to do is vote, vote, vote.
88-year-old Betty White is going to host Saturday Night Live in May, the newest, freshest thing SNL has thought of in years.
A sushi restaurant is being charged with serving whale. Customers became suspicious when the California Rolls were enormous!
A car crashed into a bagel shop, injuring the driver, and a customer. Also, the front of the car was totally schmeared.
Noisy leaf blowers may soon be illegal in Hawaii in a move to take the place you already wish you were, and make it into even more of a place you wish you were.
Mexican telecom honcho Carlos Slim is now the richest man in the world. Also the billionaire with the coolest name.
Chuck Norris is 70. Later he’ll be staring out the candles on his cake.
Even in old age, men want sex more than women. According to the latest study, they want it approximately a million percent more than the 21-year-old women they want to have sex with.
A coffee-powered car is taking a 210-mile test drive today. It was given the nickname “car-puccino” by people who should have waited until after they had their coffee to pick a name.
A new medical study says that long-time smokers cut their risk of Parkinson’s Disease. Said one long-time smoker, “Ha! Ha! Cough! Wheeze! Choke! Gurgle! Hack! Hack! Hack!” Then he doubled over, gagged and spat up a huge brown loogie.
* Your insistence on wearing pink tutus and nothing else is disturbing.
* When you “hustle,” you look as cheap as it sounds.
* You thought that rumba was a cocktail.
* And no, there’s nothing illegal about a hoedown. Dumbass.
* Two words: Sequin Rash
* Turns out the rhythm was not gonna get you. Ever.
* Still waiting on a call-back from Dr. Drew Celebrity Rehab
* You look like a fool with your pants on the ground.
* Anson Williams still has alot of connections in Hollywood and he’s never liked you.
* Not allowed back in dance competitions since the dreaded “Boogaloo” incident of 1983
“The birds are in the trees, the bees are on their flowers, and I am in a cubicle.
One of these things doesn’t belong.” - Cat
“Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?,” former Congressman Eric Massa asked Glen Beck during their interview Tuesday evening. Well, awkward, sure. But at least you know which way they lean.
A new poll shows Obama is more popular than Congress, in much the same way that Brussels sprouts are more popular than roasted crickets.
The nation’s governors are hoping to agree on a set of standards for schools across the country. For example, fish sticks should include at least one percent fish.
In spite of the tough economic times, there were 300,000 breast augmentations last year. We’re just relieved it’s an even number.
A colony of Tasmanian devils is immune to cancer. Also, if you shoot them with a shotgun, they get all charred and smoky but are otherwise unharmed.
Students and graduates of a grade school in Rhode Island protested after President Obama said that this particular school was inadequate. Students held signs saying, “we support you, why don’t you support we?” and “Yay owr skool!”
A new study finds that healthier men have more sex than unhealthy men, provided those men are also more attractive, wealthier and more socially outgoing.
Howard Stern has reportedly made controversial comments insulting Gabourey Sadibe, the Oscar nominated star of Precious, for being overweight. Turns out that guy’s not totally nice to everybody all the time.
A pair of Condors who have laid an historic egg are asking that we respect their privacy and allow them to have some family time before the media onslaught begins onslaughting them. Thank you.
A New York City chef has made cheese from breast milk. The recipe calls for two C cups.
Ghost Writer only played in one theater here, and it was that old one that shows indie movies and is populated, at least when I’ve been there, almost exclusively by elderly people. They seemed to like Ghost Writer just fine, probably remembering Pierce Brosnan from Remington Steele days and thinking about what a cool name Pierce is. Doesn’t that seem like the kind of name old people would like?
Critics have been loving this uni-screened film and it’s not hard to see why. It moves pretty slowly and the sets are gorgeous. There’s a beach house that most critics probably imagine themselves criticizing from with lots of stark concrete and a really good DSL connection.
Kim Cattrall is in this and here’s something I didn’t know. IMDb (the only site that matters) says she was born in Liverpool! That’s right, the hottest Sex and the City star was the fifth Beatle! I’m not sure how I would have known that, but I feel like I should have. If you knew it, good for you! Try to be gracious about it.
Also hailing from England and starring in GW is Olivia Williams, pretty much playing the character she played on Dollhouse, but I’ll bet there isn’t an awful lot of GW/Dollhouse crossover, so it’s not a problem.
Younger Version Obi-Wan is in the role the previously imagined critics imagine themselves in, writing and writing and not being appreciated. Also drinking like a fish. If I drank half of what he downs in this movie, it would be about a writer who’s always apologizing and then falling asleep.
There’s usually a reason critics like movies that critics like, and that’s the case here. It’s a good, solid movie that doesn’t need to blow up or jump out in 3D to impress you. If you are named Pierce, and you are drinking heavily, I’ll bet this will be your favorite movie of the year.
A former Democratic congressman says his party “set him up” after he opposed health care. His claim was dismissed after everyone realized that to set him up, Democrats would have had to work together.
At some colleges, professors are banning laptops from classrooms and insisting students take notes with pencils. Assuming the students have taken Early American History and know what a pencil is.
Women who drink moderate amounts of alcohol are less likely to gain weight. Or they just work it off sleeping with guys they can’t believe they slept with the next day.
Two of the oldest people in the US have died, shocking no one, and making no one stop and take stock of their lives.
A woman that Conan O’Brien randomly chose to follow on Twitter is now getting her dream wedding supplied by the attention she’s received. So for all you haters who think Twitter is a waste of time, here’s one example out of… millions… that… kind of… OK fine. But it’s still a nice story.
States are slowly lessening restrictions on marijuana. At the same time they hope to increase revenues with a 98% sales tax on Doritos. Coincidence?
An estimated 41 million people tuned in to see “The Hurt Locker” win the Oscar for Best Picture, which comes out to 40,999,999 more people than saw “The Hurt Locker.”
The White House has revealed this year’s Easter egg design, so don’t worry, people, things in Washington are happening!
A 66 ton boulder broke off from a cliff and crashed onto a highway in Colorado yesterday, blocking traffic and leaving one brown coyote with an accordion fold injury to his entire body.
The city of Detroit wants to save itself by downsizing. Within ten years city planners hope to reduce it to a Dollar Store, a gas station, and a trendy restaurant called “Eat.”
