The Pentagon will have a smaller budget next year, and that will result in fewer people in the Army and Marines. So, unfortunately, Joe is gonna have to let Willie go.
A bus-sized asteroid came very close to hitting Earth. Luckily it had to make a few other stops and a transfer first.
Pat Sajak says he and Vanna used to do Wheel of Fortune kind’a drunk sometimes. Which explains that one show where he kept shouting, “I got yer vowel right here!”
Police in Paris have arrested former executives of company at the center of a breast implant scandal. No word if they shouted, “This is a bust!”
The fact that George and Brad are buddies is supposed to “humanize” them somehow, but instead it just makes them seem so, so much farther away…
Don’t worry everyone, the National Mustard Museum is not going to close. You can still “ketchup” on all the fun. But seriously don’t mention ketchup there. They really, really hate that.
Jay-Z and Beyonce selected Oprah as their daughter’s Godmother. When asked for comment, Oprah said: “YOU GET A BABY BLANKET! YOU GET A BABY BLANKET! AND YOU GET A BABY BLANKET!”
Adios, Shalom, Juan Epstein.
Seriously. Socks in bed.
Happy Valentine’s Day
Newt Gingrich would like to see Americans living on the moon. Specifically, three Americans named Santorum, Paul and Romney.
People who work longer hours are more likely to get depressed. Oops. Almost forgot to add the “Well, duh!”
There are some changes coming to the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Sadly, none of them include puppies falling asleep in baskets, which is the dog show we’re waiting for.
Ashton is partying with supermodels in Brazil because he’s Ashton. And they’re supermodels. In Brazil.
High tech multitasking is supposed to be bad for- Sorry! Gotta take this! Anyway, it’s not good for- Hey! I need a five letter word that uses L,V,Y,R, and Q, got anything? So, there’s this story, and it’s about something.
Victoria Azarenka is going to play Maria Sharapova in an Australian Open Women’s Final that may or may not have already happened. “Live from Australia” is confusing.
Al Simon has made a documentary to commemorate the 25th anniversary of his Graceland album. Yeah, yeah…we know his name is Paul. But he says we can call him Al.
Fried food does not cause heart attacks, according to new study. However, it does generally cause happiness.
Here’s your poetic justice: Las Vegas could be in giant trouble if the Giants win.
Is she bringing the kids?
Happee Valentine’s Day, Honey.
Yes, that is totally necessary.
That helps a lot. Thanks.
This makes me want to drive one.
Sure, you want to keep up on the state of the union, but you really need to hit the can and go get another coffee before the big meeting. What to do? How about the entire State of the Union address in 59 seconds? You’re welcome.
In politics, there’s what they say, what they didn’t say, and what they really meant by what they did and didn’t say.
Researchers report something called brown fat may be the secret to weight loss, though we’re guessing they’re not talking about the stuff that pools at the top of gravy.
Delta is rerouting planes due to an upcoming “solar eruption,” which is an excellent name for a either a band or a SciFi Channel movie of the week. Hey…maybe the band could write the theme song for the movie!
A dentist pleaded guilty to using paper clips to perform root canals. He also pleaded guilty to using his dental tools to hold together stacks of paper, but no one seemed to care much about that.
They had to grind up part of a street in New York City after they misspelled the word “school” in a school crossing sign. Not the best day for the Big Appul.
Jim Carrey’s daughter sang on American Idol, which re-ran last night. So already, the kid’s doing sequels.
Brazilians are visiting Florida, which is too bad because there are already plenty of sexy people in Miami. Brazilians! Please visit the less sexy places! We need you!
The president will tell us all the state of the union tonight. So far in the rough draft, “challenging” is tied with “character-building.”
Finally! New election rules will limit all of this excessive spending and negative campaigning! Course, that’s just for the Oscars.
Oh yeah, in case you were wondering about the Oscars: The horse one, the silent one, the baseball one, the metaphysical one, the Clooney one, the one with the maids, the Scorsese one, the one from Woody, and the one with Tom Hanks. You’re welcome.
A whole bunch of artists are doing brand new, totally different renditions of Bob Dylan songs. Kind of like Dylan does every time he plays them.
Aretha Franklin called off her engagement after just three short weeks. She doesn’t ask that you understand her decision, only that you R-E-S-P-E-C-T her right to make it.
Daniel Radcliffe thinks people want him to fail. We like to refer to those “people” as “Death Eaters.”
The candidates talked about America’s space program in last night’s debate in a last-minute tussle for victory in the Martian primary.
