After The Switch and Eating and Praying and Loving, I gotta say I was glad to see an action movie where there's, you know, action, and Takers is a bill fitter.  If you have an action bill.  There's a classic, "getting all the guns loaded and pulling on our ski-masks together" scene, a couple of shoot-outs where someone is clearly not going to get that deposit back, and lots of tense yelling into tiny microphones.  But I was mainly looking forward to this movie because of Idris Elba.  Elba is like a taller, more English, potentially scarier Cheadle, and I think you know how I feel about Cheadle.  If you've seen Elba on The Office or, even better, on The Wire, you might not know he has an English accent.  It comes and goes a little here, but it's like someone added more coolness right at the last minute, kind of like powdered sugar on brownies, for example. There's a sort of criminal accountant (C-CPA) played by Johnathon Schaech.  My resolution to not let unpronounceable (by me) names stop me from appreciating certain actors (hello, Chiwetel Ejiofor!) is really tested with this guy.  He's one of a group of actors I made an effort to distinguish in the late '90s and I could never get a handle on him, and I really can't see forgiving that first name.  People come from all over and go all over, I get it.  Maybe "aech" is totally common somewhere. But John-a-thon sounds like an extended charity event, doesn't it? Like we're going to find a cure for John, no matter how long it takes? Better to focus on Chris Brown and his emerging Parkour skills.  It's becoming de rigueur in action movies and he does a nice job of it in an extended chase scene.  He says he trained, but he's young enough to make it sound like that was simple.  It wouldn't be for most of us.  In fact, our time would probably be better spent eating brownies dusted with powdered sugar. Editor's Note: Hallmark Cards has a strategic relationship with Sony Pictures.

Miss Mexico has won the Miss Universe Pageant.  What will she do now?  According to many in Washington, she will immediately come to the U.S. and have a baby. Unknown candidate Joe Miller may beat incumbent LIsa Murkowski in the Alaska Senatorial race.  Experts credit Scott's success to the backing of Sarah Palin, whose history all but guarantees him a solid loss in November. Lindsay Lohan was released from rehab after 30 days, even though she was sentenced to serve 90.  The judge said he was impressed with her rapid progress, and wanted to make sure there would be plenty of time left in her original sentence because he's pretty sure he'll be sending her back in pretty soon. A family photo in New Jersey captured an unaware thief in the act in the background, as do most New Jersey family photos. Suddenly there are a whole lot more jobs that require top secret government clearance. We think. Nobody will tell us for sure. They just make that “lock your lips and throw away the key” sign. There’s a danger that pedestrians won’t hear the Prius hybrid approaching, so they’re adding fake motor noises. Each car will come with a guy who sits in the passenger seat and goes “Vroom! Vroom!” The race is on to see if Twitter becomes profitable before it becomes passé.

83-year-old former President Jimmy Carter will travel to North Korea this week to try to free an American prisoner.  The plan is to high-altitude night drop into the jungle, circumvent the minefield, electrified fence and guards, secure the subject, and then fight his way to the extraction point. Good luck, Jim.  Godspeed. A man has written one song per day for the last 600 days, earning him an impressive 600 songs.  600 terrible, simplistic, totally similar songs. Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrento may earn $5 million this year. But don’t go packing your Apocalypse bags just yet because some of that income will be earned as a spokesman for a brand of vodka, so there’s still even money on that not working out so well for him, long-term. Seat belts in school buses?!  More proof that parents today are making their kids soft!  There was a time when kids were tossed to and fro whenever the bus swayed and it made 'em tough! Dizzy and nauseous, but tough! A herd of sculpted horses has been removed from a roof in what may be the most, or perhaps only, interesting development in sculpting since you first got to see nudes on a field trip.

I'm not going to get a motorcycle for three main reasons.  #1. Too Expensive.  #2. Scared Of Them.  #3 Wife.  Those reasons are not in order.  If you gave me $15,000 (and why don't you?  You never give me anything!) I would not spend it on a motorcycle.  And my wife might be convinced if she had a cute enough jacket or a hilarious enough slogan on the back of a T-shirt.  So it's the scarededness, which looms large.  They are loud, and parts of them are like giant curling irons looking for your leg, and they fall over if you don't pay strict attention.  I've got a small car, it's not substantial.  But it will never fall over. The Expendables, however, makes me rethink the motorcycle thing.  Yes, the stars of the movie are getting old.  Yes, the botox budget must have rivaled the anabolic budget.  But, man, did they look cool on those bikes!  And the knife-throwing also looked like something you could do into your golden years.  Have you ever tried throwing a knife?  It's harder than it looks, and the practice, based on a solid 20 minutes of dedication, is boring.  But it looks crazy cool when it works, and it's, like, $14,950 cheaper than a bike. Expendables does not include any classic "putting a team together" scene, but there is a very comforting, "getting all the guns ready on a plane" scene that makes it seem like an old friend.  And it's nice to see Dolph and Sly together again 25 years post-Rocky. Statham is always solid and Jet Li is the true successor to Bruce Lee, and believe me, I have no higher compliment.  As action movies go, this is an entertaining twist on a lot of the standard stuff.  It is by no means a date movie.  Unless your date is a real motorcycle riding badass, like my wife could be if she had the right wardrobe.

Somebody found some supposedly-destroyed tapes of a secret CIA interrogation under their desk. Which beats the broken rubber band, two M&Ms and that missing cassette tape of The Monkees Greatest Hits we found under ours. Two zebras were caught after a five-hour chase through the streets of a California suburb. But not before they had run through a fruit stand, a parade route and a huge plate-glass window two guys were carrying across the street. A missing Civil War prison camp has been located, though authorities hold out little hope for survivors. A fake “dislike” button on facebook is the latest viral scam that causes the user to unknowingly allow access to private information.  Authorities say that even though they are aware of the scam, many facebook users will fall victim because of their refusal to just go talk to people. Mel Gibson was in a single-car crash in Malibu.  Still, he blamed his ex-girlfriend, the movie establishment, and several unspecified minorities. Here is a story about a former child star who is doing great, so you probably won’t be interested.

There is a scene toward the end of this movie where our hero literally thunks his head on a tree.  On purpose.  Walks up to it and thunks.  And this thunk, along with the schlumpy walk that preceded it, really nails the fact that Michael Cera is a modern day Charlie Brown.  They even kind of  look like each other, if CB were older and Canadian. Seeing Cera play his actual age and his actual Canadity is kind of refreshing.  You really believe he's in his early twenties and doesn't know bread makes you fat.  And when he breaks out of the Charlie Brown persona to fight bad guys with super powers, well, then you've got a movie. There are tons of inside hipster jokes and references in this movie and I got maybe a third, fine, a fifth of them.  If you are insider and hipper than me (and for your sake, I really hope you are) then you'll get even more and enjoy the film in that cool way where you pretend to not enjoy it at all. Mary Elizabeth Winstead will make you think you'd look good with short hair.  Maybe you would, but you better not do it based on this movie alone.  And there's a little bit of an Arrested Development reunion going on, which is fun.  If you're into hipster cool stuff, you'll like this movie.  If you're not, you might not like it, especially if you're a blockhead.  (That was a not-so-hipster Charlie Brown reference, designed to illustrate the point.  You're not a blockhead.  You're fine.  Never change. ) Editor's Note: Hallmark Cards and Universal Studios have a strategic relationship.

The judge who denied bail to actor Rip Torn says the charges that Torn broke into a bank while armed and drunk are too serious to merit probation. In other words, the judge rip torned him a new one. Some sightseers who got stuck on a glacier have been rescued by the National Guard. They reported that not only was it really cold, the sights kinda sucked. A research team in Israel has found a 2,200-year-old gold coin that doesn’t fit into the candy bar machine, so who really cares? Al Capone’s bulletproof car is expected to fetch $500,000 at auction. Gun moll sold separately. Anybody who believes the plot for Inception was stolen from a Donald Duck comic must be deamin’. Unless they’re just deamin’ that they’re dreamin’. Dan Quayle’s kid says Obama is the worst president ever. And not just because his dad never got elected. Some people think 10-year-old singing sensation Jackie Evancho was lip-syncing that Puccini aria on America’s Got Talent. Course, some people think unicorns can’t outfly dragons. Pity the unbelievers. Your wait for Pop-Tart Sushi is officially over. Return to your normal life.

* Tattoo "I" on one buttcheek and "Quit!" on the other. Drop pants. * Giant foam middle finger * Well, first you'll need 200 squirrels and the key to the supply closet... * Two words: mariachi band * Wrap towel around fist, punch timeclock * Google your hot coworker... without a computer * Streak the cafeteria. Stop to make a salad. * Sing "I Believe I Can Fly" while riding your swivel chair through the lobby * Forget to flush... for a month * Re-create the closing scene of An Officer and A Gentleman, with yourself as Richard Gere and your cat as Debra Winger * Engage your boss in an hour-long game of "I know you are, but what am I?" * Commandeer the warehouse forklift for a trip to Hardee’s * Respond to every customer question with "That's what she said!"

The prison escapee who was taken back into custody was reportedly singing hymns when captured, which authorities say may offer some insight into his personality.  For instance, he's not very good at hiding. A man's 28-month walk along the Amazon River ended this week when he emerged from the jungle at the coast.  When interviewed, the man was really angry, saying, "I told Gary to pick me up in the jungle 27 months ago." Psychologists are warning people to pay close attention to their anger levels during this extended heat wave in order to avoid an increase in violent confrontations.  And to root out one cause of  anger, they're warning weathermen to stop with the "it's so hot..." jokes. Google and Verizon have reached an agreement that they’re not actually calling Armageddon, because they don’t want folks to catch on quite yet. Levi Johnson is planning to run for office in Alaska. So looks like the Republicans have a vice presidential candidate for next time. A tourist who fell into the Grand Canyon managed not to die. Which would have been fine, but then he had go strutting around for 10 minutes saying, “Who’s grand? Who’s grand?” in a really annoying voice. Yesterday a flight attendant threw a fit, cursed on the overhead intercom, and deployed, yes, deployed the inflatable slide and exited the plane, taking some beer with him.  So if you're thinking about quitting your job, well, the bar is pretty high is what we're suggesting.

Chrysler is celebrating because they only lost $172 million last quarter. Kind of puts that buck and a quarter you lost in the pop machine into perspective, huh? Two escaped convicts may be hiding in the wilderness of Yellowstone Park.  Park rangers say this might mean that some good news comes from the park’s alarming increase in bear attacks. Mia Farrow testified last week that she received a blood diamond, illegally mined within a war zone, from Naomi Campbell.  It’s a huge deal and a legal matter because every other diamond that all the models and actresses have are all from happy, well-treated miners who get great health benefits, an awesome retirement package, and lemon in their ice water during breaks. A new study reveals that more American girls are starting puberty early, at rates that match almost exactly the increase in heart attacks by their dads. A Twitter photo helped authorities catch a suspected flasher. That’s what he gets for exposing his twitter in front of the camera. Tiger’s golf game has gotten so bad, people are starting to compare him to mortals. Pennsylvania police think they have the woman who robbed a bank dressed in a clown costume, after she was identified in a line-up by her distinctive nose honk. President Obama is arguably the most powerful man in the world, in charge of the largest economy, the strongest military force, and with nuclear launch authority.  Yet he laments that he is not allowed to drive, which often leads to some wacky sitcom-like antics around the White House when he and Michelle sneak out in disguise for ice cream.