Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

——————————————————–
My retirement plan ran into a snag.
It turns out that ostriches are really mean.

Hope your birthday doesn’t bite.
——————————————————-
Sometimes I think your friendship is what keeps me from going crazy!

Well, your friendship and the fear of restraints, and the cold, cold tile,
and the heartless doctors, and the head-shaving…
————————————————————————————–
No one ever regrets matching her bra and panties on her birthday.

Even if it’s just going to the E.R. because you choked on baby carrots.
————————————————————————————–
With luck, your generation won’t be the generation that has to
turn to cannibalism.

Congratulations!
——————————————————————————
Inner beauty never ages…so you should see about getting some.

Soon.
Happy Birthday
——————————————————————————-
Get well or I’ll shoot you.

Oh wait…that’s horses.
————————

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

—————————————————
Heard you’re not at all well.

Totally unrelated—I’d like to talk to you about Jesus.
—————————————————-
Does a leopard print thong scream happy birthday?

“Cause I keep hearing screaming and I think that’s why.
Hope that’s why.
—————————————————-
The bond of our friendship can never be broken.

Unless you sleep with my husband. Again.
—————————————————-
I know I don’t say this often, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart…

I don’t know who I’d do without you.
—————————————————-
I sent you this card because my thumbs are too big to text.

I’m a freak! Don’t look at me!
—————————————————-
Some people decorate a big cookie to celebrate birthdays!

Those people are communists.
—————————————————-

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

Real friends can never be separated, except maybe by one of those crazy two-man lumberjack saws.

But then we’ve got a couple lumberjacks, so, go silver lining! Miss you!
——————————————————–
Luck is 50% inspiration, 40% inflammation, and 10% inauguration, if you’re President.

The rest of us get luck from cards, like this one.
——————————————————–
Loneliness is the fuse that lights the saddest candles.

The scents are “Dust” and “Leftovers.”
Miss you.
——————————————————–
“A stitch in time saves wine.” Yeah, well it does for me.

Let’s have some wine time soon.
——————————————————–
You know what sounds a lot more upbeat and positive than it actually turns out to be?

Shoplifting.
Hope you get some nice, paid-for, birthday presents.
——————————————————–
I couldn’t dream of a better friend, because in most of my dreams the people have no faces and are trying to take my ovaries.

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

Thanks, dad, for telling me it’s perfectly normal to wake up like that.

I’ll take it from here.
Happy Father’s Day!
————————————————————
Wow, I’m going to have a hard time finding a husband who is
as great of a man as my dad.

Especially if I end up in a women’s prison.
Happy Father’s Day!
————————————————————
I could go on and on about what a great dad you were growing up.

But hey—I gotta save something for the eulogy.
Happy Father’s Day!
————————————————————
Dad, thanks to you, I’m not a stripper.

Thanks to your ankles, specifically.
“Too thick to strip” is tough to hear, but it’s true.
Happy Father’s Day!
————————————————————
Happy Father’s Day, Grandpa, and thanks for doing your duty
and serving in the Revolutionary War!

I understand you old soldiers don’t like to talk about it and that’s okay.
But thanks for beating the Redcoats and making America free.
————————————————————
Thanks for not being the kind of dad who answered the door
in your underwear.

And especially not in mom’s underwear.
Happy Father’s Day!

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

Get well soon

or I’ll make you some tea
that’ll make you wish you had!
————————————————
Maybe it’ll cheer you up to imagine you’re a cowgirl and one night
around the campfire, you take off your hat and your hair falls
and the cowboys realize you’re gorgeous and they love you.

Or maybe that just works for me.
————————————————
Gratitude is a dish best served with a bottle of wine.

Thanks for giving me a handy reason! Cheers!
————————————————
If you want to buy dandruff shampoo
without cashier judgment, I’ll buy it.

You shouldn’t suffer judgment on your birthday.
————————————————
A shared kindness is four times the—no, twice! It’s twice something…

Thanks again. Can I borrow a calculator?
————————————————
A good drinking game is to take a drink every time
the birthday song says ‘happy birthday.’

Call a cab and have a great birthday.

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

It’s your birthday, and I love you!

Still, if you don’t stop whistling, I’m going to kill you.
———————————————–
I almost missed your birthday, I’ve been busy trying to
stop using “air quotes.”

“Go for it” on your birthday! Oh, crap.
———————————————–
May your wheezing cough be more productive today.

Forgive me, I tend to gush at birthdays,
my emotions just take over and I’m sunk.
———————————————–
On your birthday, I wish you one
perfect moment of time all by yourself.

Hint: Mall bathroom, handicap stall.
You’ll never get that kind of privacy at home.
———————————————–
Are you really sick? Or is your body just crying out
over certain emotional issues that you’re not dealing with?

You’re really sick? Well, get better then.
———————————————–
I never forget a face. Although there are some I wish I could.

Your face is one that is always great to see.
———————————————–
This card can do something e-mail never could.

You can’t roll up and smoke e-mail.

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

Motherhood often requires kissing a few boo-boos.

And every now and then, having to divorce one of them.
Happy Mother’s Day!
———————————————————
Thanks for being a fun grandma, and not the kind my friends have.

Dead ones.
———————————————————
Happy Mother’s Day!

From the best thing you ever made out of eggs.
———————————————————
Mom, I know I don’t say it often enough, but…

Will you make me a sandwich?
Happy Mother’s Day!
———————————————————
Wasn’t sure what to get you for Mother’s Day…

The prison gift shop is really limited.
———————————————————
Thanks, Mom, for having “the talk” with me.

Turns out I like sex quite a bit.

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

You’re a role model to people with a low bar.

Keep up the pretty good work!
****************************************************************
Happy birthday, honey! Just relax and take it easy today!

Where do we keep the fire extinguisher? No reason.
****************************************************************
Would you take it as a huge compliment if I got your face
tattooed on my shoulder blade?

If not, call me right now! NOW! So…much…blood…
*****************************************************************
If the engagement ring is big enough, it’s like you’re
wearing it on your middle finger.

Congratulations!
*****************************************************************
You’re 21! You’re all grown up.

Go back! HURRY! It sucks! Trust me!
*****************************************************************
Your birthday fills me with hope and joy!

Those are my nicknames for ice cream and cake.
*****************************************************************
How do I love thee?

Well, awkwardly at times, to be honest.

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

___________________________________________________________________________
You’re 21! There’s nothing holding you back now!

Except prison.
___________________________________________________________________________
I was eating a hoagie when I remembered your birthday, and I thought, “hey!”

“This is spicy mustard! I asked for regular!” Anyway, if it wasn’t for your birthday, my lunch would’ve been ruined.
___________________________________________________________________________
If you get home from your birthday celebration to discover your underwear jammed full of singles,
it’s best not to try to remember how.

And just drop the credit cards in a nearby mailbox. There’s like a law where they have to return them to the people.
___________________________________________________________________________
We all want you to have a happy birthday!

Because we all know how you get.
___________________________________________________________________________
Babies are so beautiful…

After they wipe them off.
Congratulations!
___________________________________________________________________________

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

A bird flew by, and somehow it reminded me of you.

Then it did something to my car, and it reminded me of work.
————————————————————————-
I like you!

You smell like soap from a really good hotel!
————————————————————————-
Scientology, I can handle. It’s Mathology that would freak the bejesus outta me.

So, how old are you? Go slow, if it involves numbers.
————————————————————————–
I actually went to school with a guy named Jesus.
So I try not to ask myself, “What Would Jesus Do?”
because man, that guy was thick.

What should you do today? Have a good birthday.
————————————————————————–
Grandmas like you are few and far between.

Or else they’re just moving really slowly.
————————————————————————–
I didn’t know if I should make plans for your birthday or just wing it.

Went with the wings. Spicy. Creamy dressing. They were great.
————————————————————————–
Calling it the birth canal makes it sound kinda European, but no less painful.

Congrats on the le baby!

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

It’s time to play the ol’ Valentine game…
“How Well Do I Pick Up on Hints?”

Yes, it’s America’s favorite guessing game!
Let’s all wish me luck!
***********************************************
My idea to spell out “I love you” on the lawn in birdseed
didn’t go 100% as planned.

Oh, “I love you” is written on the lawn…just not in seed.
************************************************
A saint dedicated to romance?

Horny Catholics.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
************************************************
Here’s an image to get you in the mood: You and me
…in bed…I’m not clipping my toenails…you’re not
wearing your biteguard…we didn’t eat Mexican for dinner,
and your hands aren’t freezing like usual.

If we plan ahead, we could make this one very special Valentine’s Day.
*************************************************
Love is better than any drug.

And that’s not just because you don’t have to depend on
some idiot named Stan who shows up an hour late and then spends
a half hour telling you how he didn’t have any fun at all
on his freakin’ vacation to Tampico.
**************************************************
I like my men like I like my chocolate…

Cheap and waxy.
Happy Valentine’s Day!

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

Happy Birthday to a sister who had the boys standing in line.

Holding $10 bills. What was that about?
————————————————————————
Give peace a chance. Or I’ll kick your ass.

Write soon or I’ll kick your ass.
————————————————————————
Nothing says Happy Birthday like the dead-eyed stare of the servers
singing their restaurants version of the birthday song.

Happy free dessert day.
————————————————————————-
Never stop flirting with each other.
And cops. And mortgage lenders. And auto mechanics.
Congratulations!
————————————————————————–
You’re quirky in the cute ‘n’ fun way.
Not in the “Where’d all the small animals go?” way.
Happy Birthday!
————————————————————————–
Our love is like a pearl; simple, beautiful, and not that good
covered in peanut butter.

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

I picked out the perfect Christmas gift for you!

All you have to do is go to Amazon.com and click “buy”.
—————————————————————————-
I’m sending you a Hanukkah card because you are my Jewish friend.

Ahem. Okay, now I’m all uncomfortable because I pointed out
that you’re Jewish. (Fidget, fidget.)
Um, Happy Hanukkah.
—————————————————————————–
A true friend lets you complain about presents you don’t like,
without bringing up needy families or “how blessed” you are.

Thanks, friend.
——————————————————————————
And, now, a special message from the Discount Mall Santa…

Please kill me.
——————————————————————————-
Dressing the dog as a reindeer for a photo turned out to be a bad idea.

Probably should have used our own dog. And less glue.

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

————————————————————–
Another year, and you’re still totally with it.

So am I, but in my case, the “it” is my husband.
———————————————————————-
Daughter, I think it’s time we had “the talk.”

I waited until after you had kids so I wouldn’t have so much explaining to do.
——————————————————————————————————————
Heard you were sad.

Call me when it’s over.
———————————————————————————————-
My cat doesn’t care how old I am, or if I look bad in the morning.
Or if I’m lying on the floor, unconscious and bleeding.

I care if you have a happy birthday. My cat probably doesn’t.
————————————————————————————————————
Just because we’re married, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have “date nights.”

With each other. Lose the smirk, pal.
——————————————————–
Women should make more time for their girlfriends.

Heaven knows men do.

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

If you want to kill two birds with one stone,
then maybe your real issue is pent up rage.

Hope you have a relaxing day today.
****************************************************************
If people spontaneously purred like cats, then my UPS guy
would find out how good he looks in those shorts.

Lookin’ good, Birthday Girl!
****************************************************************
Three reasons clowns make lousy lovers:
1) The face comes off in the shower.
2) Nose keeps honking at inappropriate times.
3) Big shoes not indicative of bigness elsewhere.

Happy Birthday. Wanna clown around?
****************************************************************
Here’s a heads up, “pilates” does not involve pills
or lattes in any way.

Screw fitness, it’s your birthday.
****************************************************************
I never saw the farm that my parents sent my childhood dog to
when it got old, but I like to think it had a heated barn.

What lies will you tell yourself on your birthday?
****************************************************************
Every family needs a hero.
And you’re just the person to go find us one.

Happy birthday and good luck!

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

Your love makes me want to sing!

Why would your love want to do something so horrible? Your love is a bad judge of music.
———————————————————————————————————————————
Happy birthday to a guy who makes women point and whisper.

“Is that a gut or a money belt full of pudding?” They whisper.
———————————————————————————————————————————
You’re never too old to go skydiving!

I say, go for it. What have you got to lose but maybe a day’s pay and a little pee pee?
Happy birthday!
———————————————————————————————————————————
I miss you more than a cannibal would miss meat if he decided to become a vegetarian.
Plus, the cannibal’s family would think he’s a total freak.

In short, I totally freaking miss you.
———————————————————————————————————————————
A birthday wish, huh? My grandpa always used to say, “Wish in one hand, spit in the other.”

The Big War had changed grandpa…
———————————————————————————————————————————-
If someone offers you “ass cream” today, it probably just means they’re from the South.

Better make sure, though, just to be safe. Happy birthday!

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

Now that we’re grown up, I can admit I was always a little jealous
of all of the attention you got.

Counselors, vice-principals, tutors, I think a voodoo witch doctor
at one point, volunteers, professionals, so much attention!
******************************************************************************
Love means only sometimes having to say, “Don’t touch me there.”

I always love you no matter what mood I’m in!
******************************************************************************
If you don’t feel like smiling, you don’t have to.

Just don’t read today’s “Family Circus,” ’cause that Billy,
he’s hilarious!!!
*******************************************************************************
Nobody puts a baby in the corner. That’s just mean.

Just advice I heard somewhere.
Congrats
*******************************************************************************
Happy Birthday to my husband, the world champion one-handed
bra-unhooker, rear closure division.

You win the booby prize!
*******************************************************************************
Being a fruitfly has its advantages. Like lots of fresh fruit for instance.

Wishing you well, and fruit.
********************************************************************************
A birthday guarantee: the celebrity you share a birthday with
is having a way better party.

Be happy on the inside on your birthday.
********************************************************************************
People who say they peed their pants laughing might not
get invited to my pool party.

When I get a pool. You’ll be invited though.

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.

It was so nice of you to have us over.

We can only assume no one has ever told you how boring we are.
———————————————————————————————–
Your retirement can only mean one thing.

You finally coasted to a stop. Congratulations!
————————————————————————————————
Everyone’s excited about your birthday!

Except the Norwegians. They’re stoic by nature.
————————————————————————————————
It’s your birthday, and I love you!

Still, if you don’t stop whistling, I’m going to kill you.
————————————————————————————————
I couldn’t be happier I married you, even though it turned out that
your rich, crazy, sick uncle was just crazy.

Happy anniversary!
————————————————————————————————-
I was a vegetarian once. Dropped my hot dog in the dirt at a picnic.
Had to eat an empty bun filled with ketchup. Sucked.

Hold onto your meat. You’ll have a better birthday that way.
————————————————————————————————-