(Today's news is not being brought to you by Danny Trejo, but how awesome would it be if it were?) If Jesse James and Kat Von D can't make it work, well, at least they'll probably get a couple cool tattoos right on... whatever isn't already tattooed. The trapped Chilean miners have sent up a new video that shows them well and in good spirits, and said one psychologist, “well into the show tune choreography stage of isolation syndrome.” The wife of one of the trapped miners met the mistress of the trapped miner  at the vigil sight above ground.  In a couple of months the miner will get to meet the lawyer of the wife and the mistress. A lost python is coming home which is good news unless you're one of the people it's going to slowly crush and then eat by dislocating its jaw and painstakingly swallowing you whole. The most humane way to euthanize a beached whale is to blow it to bits with explosives, says the 11-year-old boy down the street who doesn’t otherwise talk much.  And no one asked him about the whales, he just knocked on your door and told you and then just stood there. Paris Hilton says she’s ignoring the “ridiculous, cruel rumors” of yet another drunk driving arrest, cocaine possession, and a ban from most Las Vegas hotels.  She says the rumors were started by a police officer who had arrested her for drunk driving and then found cocaine on her just after she had been kicked out of yet another Las Vegas hotel. Kia Motors is recalling a year model of its cars because of a tendency to catch fire.  How will you know if your car has this problem?  Said a spokesperson, “Oh believe me, you’ll know.” A beer truck overturned but was not immediately swarmed with attractive young people and a DJ and either a bracing snow storm or a tropical beach, so... maybe TV has been misleading us?

Steve Jobs says those silly TV networks will eventually crumble before the awesome power of the mighty Internet, but we’ll have to wait for future comic books to find out how. Automakers reported weak sales for August. Said one automaker, “Whoopie! We had sales!” Paris and her boyfriend have been banned from a couple of Las Vegas casinos.  Because they are so smart that they can literally count the cards and are unbeatable at… nah, it’s the drug thing. adltz may suum b txt as much a teen@ but thay r not as fats or acurbte. The baseball season is heating up, or as we call it in Kansas City, winding down, which is as good a time as any to remind everyone why they should resent Derek Jeter. Novelty lighters can no longer be sold in Massachusetts. So good luck finding that one shaped like a tiny Pilgrim. Doesn’t it seem like Stink Bug season comes sooner and sooner each year? A Minnesota mayor who has been charged with drunk driving explained that he is an alcoholic.  Due to this, he is now being groomed for a federal office because he’ll be much more comfortable in Washington. In his new memoir, former British Prime Minister Tony Blair praises former President Bush for his “immense simplicity,” because the British think that all Americans are too stupid to realize what an insult that is. Joe Biden was on hand to announce the command transfer in Iraq.  U.S. military officials hope the transition will look smooth when standing next to Biden.

The whole Iraq deal is cleared up now, so that’s good news.  Maybe now national attention will turn to the potholes in front of our houses, which will only get worse if not fixed before winter. The best government jobs are in the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the Government Accountability Office, according to a new listing. Worst is being a “dad-blamed revenuer,” unless you want a butt full of buckshot. The Tea Party guy won the Republican primary up in Alaska. Course, they really appreciate a hot cup of tea up there. Bristol Palin says she plans to wear modest outfits on "Dancing With The Stars" because she apparently does not know why people watch "Dancing With The Stars." Demi dancing at a Snoop Dogg concert.  Cute? Sad? Sexy? Desperate? Fun? Scary? So many emotions! First another Emmy, now the cover of Rolling Stone.  Soon, Mad Men may be so famous that everyone hates it. High schools are banning cancer awareness bracelets that say “I Love Boobies.” The enthusiastic cries of “Me too!” from 10^th grade boys were just too disruptive. The debate continues over whether to build a casino next to the historic Gettysburg battlefield. If they build it, we suggest you bet on the blue. California’s not going to ban plastic bags after all. As long as everyone agrees to only put tofu and organic mung beans in them. Goats have been hired to remove troublesome kudzu vines.  Then, bobcats will be hired to remove troublesome goats, then lions to remove troublesome bobcats, then elephants to remove troublesome lions, then kudzu will be grown to trip up troublesome elephants.

This season’s cast of “Dancing With the Stars” includes the former athlete, the one who’s probably too old but might surprise you, the one who everybody already knows can really dance, the one who everybody already knows can’t dance at all, the one who used to be married to somebody and the one everybody will watch the first episode to see. We are so there. Fidel Castro says he was at death’s door, but he thinks that death turned off all the lights and pretended not to be home until Castro got tired of waiting and left. Glenn Beck apparently wants to be the new leader of the religious right, except some of them don’t really accept him because he’s a Mormon. The future looks bright for Newsdroppings. This photo gallery of Emmy attendees begins with Christina Hendricks, from Mad Men.  Then there are others, presumably. Paris Hilton says she thought the drugs she is charged with possessing were not drugs at all, but gum.  Of course, as anyone who was not allowed in grades K-12 to have gum can tell you, it’s also kind of a drug. If there is a cure for Clooney Fever (and there isn’t), we do not want to hear about the cure for Clooney Fever. Hurricane Earl is threatening the US, which is having a tough time being scared of anything named “Earl." Your Insane Clown Posse shirt may be illegal.  Of course, for most ICP fans, that’s the least illegal thing they’ll have to worry about all day. A chimp escaped from a zoo in Oklahoma, after painstakingly using a spoon to carve out a hole behind his poster of Bubbles the Chimp. Lindsay Lohan wants her career back. And, apparently, her shirt.

President Obama says he can’t go through life with his birth certificate plastered to his forehead. Although the “Kick Me!” sign the Republicans plastered to his back seems fairly permanent. Nobody can agree on the size of the crowd that attended the big Glenn Beck rally in Washington over the weekend, but everybody agrees it was between one and infinity. “Mad Men” took its third straight Emmy last night. Geez, you’d think they’d be a little less mad. The original Kermit the Frog puppet has been donated to the Smithsonian. We apologize if you thought he was real. Ryan Reynolds and Bradley Cooper are teaming up for a movie that we’re pretty sure will be called “Ab Cops!” or possibly “Ab Doctors!” But probably “Ab Cops!” BP wants you to remember that they’re doing stuff.  And not evil stuff.  Good stuff, that helps people, just like every multi-billion dollar corporation. A new study that says drinking is better than not drinking is quickly becoming the favorite study of some of us.  Not all of us, but, for sure, some of us. An inmate has been accidentally released from prison due to a paperwork mix-up.  He was also able to use a coupon that had expired nearly a week ago, so this guy is on some kind of roll! If you want to know the best places to see a movie in Paris, you’re way too rich to be hanging out with the likes of us. Move along, Richie Rich.

After The Switch and Eating and Praying and Loving, I gotta say I was glad to see an action movie where there's, you know, action, and Takers is a bill fitter.  If you have an action bill.  There's a classic, "getting all the guns loaded and pulling on our ski-masks together" scene, a couple of shoot-outs where someone is clearly not going to get that deposit back, and lots of tense yelling into tiny microphones.  But I was mainly looking forward to this movie because of Idris Elba.  Elba is like a taller, more English, potentially scarier Cheadle, and I think you know how I feel about Cheadle.  If you've seen Elba on The Office or, even better, on The Wire, you might not know he has an English accent.  It comes and goes a little here, but it's like someone added more coolness right at the last minute, kind of like powdered sugar on brownies, for example. There's a sort of criminal accountant (C-CPA) played by Johnathon Schaech.  My resolution to not let unpronounceable (by me) names stop me from appreciating certain actors (hello, Chiwetel Ejiofor!) is really tested with this guy.  He's one of a group of actors I made an effort to distinguish in the late '90s and I could never get a handle on him, and I really can't see forgiving that first name.  People come from all over and go all over, I get it.  Maybe "aech" is totally common somewhere. But John-a-thon sounds like an extended charity event, doesn't it? Like we're going to find a cure for John, no matter how long it takes? Better to focus on Chris Brown and his emerging Parkour skills.  It's becoming de rigueur in action movies and he does a nice job of it in an extended chase scene.  He says he trained, but he's young enough to make it sound like that was simple.  It wouldn't be for most of us.  In fact, our time would probably be better spent eating brownies dusted with powdered sugar. Editor's Note: Hallmark Cards has a strategic relationship with Sony Pictures.

Lindsay is back on Twitter!  Guess starting the Roosevelt book will have to wait. A woman in Bangkok tried to sneak a baby tiger onto an airplane in her suitcase. Which would have been fine, except the baby tiger had a bottle of shampoo. Republicans are predicting huge gains in the November elections. Mostly from all the small-town fried chicken dinners they’ll have to stump at. A woman has been charged with slashing Leonardo DiCaprio’s face with a glass. If she’s found guilty, quite a large number of fans clutching DVDs of “Titanic” to their bosoms have stepped forward offering to administer the punishment. Topless Day has come and gone.  But if you really want to demonstrate solidarity, well, we're not stopping you. A boy has been kicked out of school because he's got long hair - and apparently a time machine that he has set on 1968.  Dude should invent the port-a-potty and make a killing at Woodstock. New Jersey lost 400 million dollars in funding due to an application error.  Residents of the state are shocked because usually everything runs like a Swiss watch in Jersey.  In fact, in Switzerland when a thing is going well they say, "that runs like New Jersey". Full-grown Tiger just played his best round of the year.  He was cheered by fans of the sport who want to see it played at the highest levels, and people who believe in the resiliency of the human spirit, and a woman in 1200 dollar sunglasses who's going to get half of everything forever.

A man is suing a video game for being "too addicting".  Look out, donuts, they could come for you next! Gorgeous multi-millionaire Elin Nordegren says she feels "stronger than ever".  Possibly because of the gorgeousness.  Or the multi-millionaireness. Pro golfer Jim Furyk was disqualified from the FedEx Cup Tournament because he overslept, so stop thinking golf isn't a sport. A woman who has chained herself to a doghouse to support suffering dogs is being held up as an example of the kind of thing people do when they are not gorgeous multi-millionaires. The Toyota Highlander has won a top safety award.  It's a nice turnaround for Toyota, and the first time anything safe has been compared to a Scotsman. A man has invented a half-car, half-boat that functions as both a really crappy car and a really crappy boat. The Republican Party is staying silent on the big Glenn Beck rally set for this weekend in Washington, D.C. Perhaps the first time the words “silent” and “Glenn Beck” have appeared in the same sentence. A Boston University student is appealing a judge’s decision ordering him to pay $67,500 for illegally downloading and sharing songs. He’ll be going with the “Dude, this sucks!” defense. Hackers are breaking into iTunes accounts and running up huge bills. Experts recommend protecting yourself by downloading “Mandy”, “Footloose” or “My Sharona.” No self-respecting hacker would go near a playlist that contained any of those.

Miss Mexico has won the Miss Universe Pageant.  What will she do now?  According to many in Washington, she will immediately come to the U.S. and have a baby. Unknown candidate Joe Miller may beat incumbent LIsa Murkowski in the Alaska Senatorial race.  Experts credit Scott's success to the backing of Sarah Palin, whose history all but guarantees him a solid loss in November. Lindsay Lohan was released from rehab after 30 days, even though she was sentenced to serve 90.  The judge said he was impressed with her rapid progress, and wanted to make sure there would be plenty of time left in her original sentence because he's pretty sure he'll be sending her back in pretty soon. A family photo in New Jersey captured an unaware thief in the act in the background, as do most New Jersey family photos. Suddenly there are a whole lot more jobs that require top secret government clearance. We think. Nobody will tell us for sure. They just make that “lock your lips and throw away the key” sign. There’s a danger that pedestrians won’t hear the Prius hybrid approaching, so they’re adding fake motor noises. Each car will come with a guy who sits in the passenger seat and goes “Vroom! Vroom!” The race is on to see if Twitter becomes profitable before it becomes passé.

83-year-old former President Jimmy Carter will travel to North Korea this week to try to free an American prisoner.  The plan is to high-altitude night drop into the jungle, circumvent the minefield, electrified fence and guards, secure the subject, and then fight his way to the extraction point. Good luck, Jim.  Godspeed. A man has written one song per day for the last 600 days, earning him an impressive 600 songs.  600 terrible, simplistic, totally similar songs. Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrento may earn $5 million this year. But don’t go packing your Apocalypse bags just yet because some of that income will be earned as a spokesman for a brand of vodka, so there’s still even money on that not working out so well for him, long-term. Seat belts in school buses?!  More proof that parents today are making their kids soft!  There was a time when kids were tossed to and fro whenever the bus swayed and it made 'em tough! Dizzy and nauseous, but tough! A herd of sculpted horses has been removed from a roof in what may be the most, or perhaps only, interesting development in sculpting since you first got to see nudes on a field trip.