Our campaign to get sleep swimming in the 2016 Olympics starts right now.

A new study shows teens who “feel” fat will eventually get fat. We’ve been feeling super cool for a long time so it’s bound to kick in soon.

The Queen drives and wears hoodies when she’s out with friends, solidifying her place in Cool Grandma history.

If you think your baby can read, you may be the victim of a false advertising scheme. Have your baby look up the phone number of a local attorney and call them right away.

We’d make a joke about these Bic for Her pens, but it looks like 200 Amazon customers beat us to the punch.

Here are some memorable lines that you probably think people said, but they didn’t really say them. For example, we never said, “Please don’t offer us brownies with fudge sauce and vanilla bean ice cream.”

From our Not All That Surprising News Department: Quite a bit of the Freshman 15 might be liquid.

Thieves has stolen Dr. Phil’s classic car. No word on how that makes him feel.

China still holds the bikini parade record after several women in Ocean City Maryland accidentally walked past a three-way mirror and, um, remembered a previous appointment.


The world’s oldest woman turned 116 over the weekend. She attributes her long life to not eating junk food, so, it looks like we’re not going to see 116 after all.

Pink noise might help you sleep better than white noise, but your house may smell like strawberry lemonade.

The only problem with a life-size Darth Vader cake is that everyone wants a hand piece.

Ann Romney is set to speak about her husband at the Republican Convention this evening, so, if you base your presidential decisions on whether the candidate leaves his wet towel on the bathroom floor or puts it in the hamper, tonight might be your chance to find out.

That spunky little robot Curiosity has taken its first sniff of Mars. Ironically, it smells like nougat, caramel, almonds and milk chocolate.

Also, that rumor about John Mayer dating the Curiosity Mars rover is probably just a rumor. Probably.

Airlines would rather you didn’t wear stuff that might make other fliers uncomfortable, like really lo-cut tops, or T-shirts with dirty words on them, or parachutes.

According to scientists, we all may be forced to become vegetarians by 2050. Luckily, we’ve been bacon-hoarding  years.

This boy who wore braces for 11 years is upset, and understandably so. Who would want something that isn’t bacon in their mouth for 11 years?


Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds went out for fancy ice cream as part of the ongoing effort to make normal people feel just a little less fabulous.

A lion on the loose in a British village is quickly becoming the town’s mane attraction.

Old fashioned roller coasters still offer travelers thrills, only now it’s wondering if the seat belts work.

This prized ham sold at auction for $300,000. Would anybody be mad if we made a “bringing home the bacon” joke here?

Who will be inducted into the Robot Hall of Fame? Well, whoever it is, get ready for the least emotional Hall of Fame induction speeches ever.

Four out of five newspapers agree that when there’s no news, they take another poll.

Mitt Romney doesn’t like Obama’s ads. For one thing, not enough of them are pro-Romney.

The Dallas Cowboys have told wide receiver Dez Bryant that he can no longer go to strip clubs. As a consolation, they’ll start playing dance music in the locker room.

Taylor Swift crashed a Kennedy wedding. No word on whether she spoke now or forever held her peace.


Older women generally earn less, but give more to charity. In defense of younger women,though, those tattoos don’t come cheap.

Thanks to a heroic umpire, this woman is safe at home.

A town in Connecticut is claiming to be a part of New York City. In other news, the Frank Sinatra remix “New York, Connecticut” just hit #247 on the iTunes charts.

An elderly woman attempted to “fix” a century old painting by painting over it, illustrating once again that the older is guaranteed, the wiser is very much optional.

They’re testing some talking cars in Michigan. Well, OK, as long as they’re not talking on cell phones.

If you’re in Cape Town today and see this renegade hippo, call the police. He may be hungry, hungry.

You can buy a can of air from Paris for just $9.99. No word on whether any love is in the air, though.


50-year-old Roger Clemens is returning to baseball, proving that you’re never to old to chase a dream you achieved 25 years ago.

If you don’t like helmet hair, try this invisible bike helmet. It protects you from invisible cars and keeps you from having to get an invisible body cast.

Apparently, women can be whatever they shoes to be.

These penguins have escaped their Japanese zoo three times now, showing that apparently no one at the zoo has seen Madagascar.

Lance Armstrong’s options are limited after a federal judge threw out his suit. He was hoping to wear it again next week, but the tags say “dry clean only.”

Take a moment from whacking yourself upside the head to try to get “Call Me, Maybe” unstuck to find out how it got there in first place.

Missy Franklin got the Olympic rings tattooed on her upper thigh. It was either that or five nose rings

And in financial news, a big Facebook investor unfriended his shares.


A new world record was set at the Mobile-Phone Throwing Contest in Finland. The winner receives a medal but no reception.

62-year-old Diana Nyad tried to swim from Cuba to Florida, but only made it 67 nautical miles. We’d just like to say that we have never failed in an attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida, ever. So there.

There’s a new number one party school. How on Earth will they mark this accomplishment?

Police are searching for thieves who took 500 canaries. They should probably start with the guys with bulging, chirping, trench coats

Tennis great Maria Sharapova has a new line of candy called Sugarpova. Wonder if Suzy Chapstick warned her about how nicknames can stick to a gal sometimes?

Coffee might be good for you. But we plan to keep drinking it anyway.

11 miles of the Mississippi River has been closed. So for all you water molecules reading this, you’ll have to find another way to the Gulf.

In most-important-question-ever-asked news: Does bacon-flavored Coke exist?

The world has lost one beautiful pillowcase full of doorknobs. Rest in peace, Phyllis Diller.


Shark week update: turns out the sharks are still dangerous.

Yo-yo diets may be better than once thought, which makes sense given all the wood and twine in those things.

Boring, Oregon has a twin city which is Dull, Scotland. And, as always, I Don’t Know is third.

If you’ve ever wondered what folks really think of your beloved state, here’s your chance to find out.

Hey, why the long Facebook?

Here are some ways to stay at National Parks that are less, you know, in tents.

Two guys at work really were trapped in a 50-foot sinkhole, rather than just feeling like it on a Monday like the rest of us.

A restaurant in Beverly Hills is offering discounts to patrons who agree not to use their cell phones. Which explains all those really nervous-looking diners trying to send text messages on their corn on the cob.

A warm welcome home after winning a gold medal at the Olympics? Sounds like McKayla is impressed.

This man skydived 70 times on his 70th birthday, proving to the rest of us that you’re never too old to go totally nuts.


You know the old saying, “Marry in haste, divorce in a years-long process that costs a fortune but prolongs your desperate death grip on fame”.

Good news! Pinterest is expanding the ways you can find out about all the summer squash recipes and see all the fabric swatches you could ever, ever, ever want. Ever.

A mother and son toy stealing team planned to hit all 50 states in what authorities are calling the most fun crime in a long, long time!

In an uplifting story, a blind horse is helping disabled riders. Meanwhile, wild horses keep trying to drag people away.

Meteorologists  say a long winter is coming, which is a sure sign they’re watching too much Game of Thrones.

“When an election comes along, you must whip it! No one will write the silly songs, unless you whip it!”

A new version of the laser could be a great tool for doctors, scientists, and jerks at the movie theater.

This girl is campaigning for a date with Tim Tebow. So feel free to give her a call if you’re, you know, Tim Tebow.

A group of scientists rated the health of the world’s oceans at only 60 out of 100. Shouldn’t someone alert Aquaman or something?


Long a bastion of integrity, scandal has finally come to the Scrabble world. This is the “proper noun” slippery slope everyone talked about.

Undergarments like Spanx can lead to health problems which is not news to anyone who’s ever nearly passed out trying to get into them.

A 10-year-old girl, flying alone, was stranded in Chicago. Luckily she befriended an old man who runs a toy store and stopped two bumbling criminals from ruining Christmas until her parents could find her.

We’d like a few tickets to the Pizza Museum please, extra cheese, hold the onions.

Cutouts! Finally, a hot Hollywood fashion that’s easy to create at home!

A parrot flew into the open window of a police cruiser. Polly wanna hear your Miranda rights?

Here’s what you might see in toilets in the future. No, wait…that didn’t come out right. No, wait…neither did that.

About 90 million eligible voters won’t vote in the upcoming election. The good news is they’ll be rendered ineligible to complain for the next four years. That’s how it works, right?

NBC said Mark Zuckerberg was in the stands at the Olympics, but it turned out to be Jesse Eisenberg, the guy who played Mark Zuckerberg in the movies. So Spiderman wasn’t actually at the games either?

Eating chocolate could lower your blood pressure! And we all want low blood pressure! Quick, you know what to do!


If you have been harboring a secret crush on Kenny G for the last several decades, well, he’s finally available! Also, what’s wrong with you?

This Burmese python is going to have 87 babies. Reality show talks are obviously ongoing.

Colorado is the skinniest U.S. state, says a bunch of experts who clearly haven’t looked at Tennessee on a map lately.

If you buy your paprika by the pound out of big bulk bins, you probably shouldn’t for awhile. Also, what in the world are you cooking?

Zach Galifinakis is a married man. This is a message of hope.

Taylor Swift released a new single last night about an ex. Cue our “surprised, but not really surprised because this happens a lot” face.

Want to get over a math phobia? First, don’t believe what they said about seven eating nine.