The Olympics wrapped up with a finale that included everything except a guy being shot out of a cannon. No, wait…they had that, too.
Here’s what the BBC thinks were the Top 10 Olympic performances. Number 11 was the shovel man at dressage.
Romney selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. The tennis mate position remains unfilled.
Bourne beat Batman this weekend, which is definitely a movie we’d like to see.
One Florida nudist camp is trying to attract the younger crowd. Perhaps a good first step would be to cover up the older crowd.
Here’s a list of 13 things you can get free. The list is #14.
Here’s a story about why Olympians bite their medals. But really, don’t you think you’d be hungry after beating everyone in the world at something?
Dwight Howard is now a Los Angeles Laker, which poses the obvious issue that the NBA cannot play games if every player plays for the Los Angeles Lakers.
This Missouri family can’t keep their pet raccoon. Maybe they shouldn’t have named him Bitey.
The Cartoon Network app lets you watch TV and play games. If it took you out for ice cream it would officially be your cool aunt.
The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team said they were legends, and then they proved it. We’ve got that first part down.
Beck is apparently releasing an album that you can’t listen to. Any chance we could make a list of other artists we’d like to have do that?
Looks like the average American couple immediately follows “I do” with “I owe.”
The good news is that, after the wedding, parenthood can make you fat.
The closing ceremony of the 2012 Olympics will feature the Spice Girls, so if you haven’t cried while watching the games yet, that ought to get you.
There’s an opening for Queen of Beach Volleyball and we’d consider it if you got to wear sweats. And didn’t have to be really good at volleyball.
Google’s self-driving car logged 300,000 miles without an accident, a feat self-driving humans hope to achieve soon.
36.5% of U.S. homes have dogs, while 30% of U.S. homes are ruled by cats.
An ALF movie may be headed for the big screen. This is will not be welcome news in 30% of U.S. homes.
What cures a young Knicks fan of heartbreak? How about some Lin-stant messaging?
Feeling guilty for something you ate yesterday? Well, just tell yourself at least is wasn’t any of these things.
Hey…there’s a big ol’ empty crater on Mars…Europe needs someplace to put trash…kismet?
It’s USA vs. USA in the women’s beach volleyball gold medal game tonight. Or this afternoon. Or possibly already happened. Either way, spoiler alert- the US is going to win!
McDonald’s may finally start selling breakfast food at midnight, turning the Freshman 15 into the Freshman 75.
If they gave out Olympic gold medals for doing amazing twirls and flips across a flat surface, then Aly Raisman would definitely…oh, right.
Tim McGraw and Faith Hill are commuting from Nashville to Vegas for concerts, which explains their duet about the carpool lane.
Threats of violence at a Madonna concert are not, as previously rumored, related to the singer’s tantrums directed at her wrinkle-filler or her spanx wrangler.
The NASA rover has sent back the first color pictures from Mars. Guess what? Lots of red.
Yes, it’s possible to go for the gold in your golden years.
Natalie Portman had a strictly vegan wedding, which we hope, for the sake of the future happiness of all concerned, still included those big mints that you can only get at weddings. Those are vegan, right? Right?!
A New York pedicab driver charged a family $400 for a 10 minute ride, making it the cheapest way to get around the city.
Ryan Lochte wants to be on Dancing With The Stars, though he’d probably feel more at home on Solid Gold.
An alarm went off in this apartment building for 15 hours. They really need to make those snooze buttons easier to find.
Remember when you were a kid, and you thought it was really cool to ride in an elevator? Want to feel that way again?
Arnold Schwarzenegger has founded a think tank at USC. Bet he shows up opening day in a swimsuit.
In Olympic news, a nail-biting finish to the US/Canada women’s soccer semifinal was decided by a head butt. As are so many important things in life.
Two guys tried to get away with a robbery in Pennsylvania by claiming they were filming a segment for a new reality show called “You Just Got Robbed.” Watch for them in the new reality show “Dancing With The Cell Block,” probably not with Ryan Lochte.
Usain Bolt is still the fastest man in the world. Meanwhile, Larry Slowfeet missed the bus again.
A NASA rover successfully touched down on Mars, although we expect the judged to deduct half a point for it’s little hop upon landing. Maybe we’ve been watching too much Olympics.
Telling the truth is good for your health, according to a study done by people who just want someone to tell them if Bigfoot is real already.
Archaeologists have discovered 2,500-year-old chocolate. Debates on whether to grant a one-time exception to the five-second rule are ongoing.
This Ironman champ said rest and relaxation are important so if anyone asks, we’re in training.
“Total Recall” couldn’t quite recall how to beat Batman.
In today’s “People with names that are just fun to say” news, Clint has endorsed Mitt instead of Barak.
Skateboards, tans and speakers are all part of this year’s back-to-school sales. And, hopefully, aspirin for the teachers.
If you’re worried about what ever happened to the stars of a certain sit-com, well, don’t get your Bradys in a bunch. We’ve got your answer.
If you thought you were America’s Sweetheart, we have some bad news. You have been replaced by a Flying Squirrel.
There is big money in small butts!
Well, it’s time to quit caring about Michael and Ryan.
Kate and Will actually kind of hugged in public at the Olympics in what many are calling the most shocking display of Olympic Fever so far.
Gabby Douglas says the secret to winning a gold medal is to “be a beast.” That’s also the secret to getting one of the good donuts with the chocolate icing before your co-workers get ‘em all.
A SWAT team swatted Miley Cyrus’ house after a prank call. Turns out I.C. Butts wasn’t there at all.
People go home from work, turn on their TVs, and watch other people at work. We can’t help thinking there’s a middleman that could be removed from that equation.
These beach goers didn’t panic when they saw a waterspout. However, they were much less calm when the itsy-bitsy spider showed up.
If you’re using performance enhancing drugs at the Olympics, you’re probably going to be caught. But don’t worry, they are not testing the home audience for traces of pie.
A fire rainbow was seen in Florida, which apparently is neither “fire” nor a “rainbow.” In which case, we probably spotted one this morning on the way to work, too.
What’s up with these undecided voters? We can’t decide.
A new bill would make Olympic medals tax exempt, on the theory that just winning them is taxing enough.
Snoop Dogg is changing his name to Snoop Lion. So, if you call him Snoop, or The Snoopster, or even Mr. Snoo, well, no change for you.
Some guy in New Jersey saw a python in his yard. Then, a few days later, he saw another python in his yard. Unfortunately, he’d already named the first one Monty.
83 million of the people on Facebook might not be real. But, seriously, if they link us to videos of roller skating monkeys smoking cigarettes, do we really care?
Apparently some kids were really paying attention when they sang “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” in second grade.
Here’s a story, of a guy named Vince Vaughn, who just sold a network on the Brady Brunch.
A woman found a shank inside her bag of candy. It appears the Oompa Loompas are getting desperate.
The number of adult kids living at home is on the rise, as are heavy sighing and eye-rolling.
Andi in Olympic news…
Olympic Badminton players are facing charges in what many are calling the first interesting thing to happen in badminton.
Michael Phelps now has more medals around his neck than any other Olympian ever. So, if you’re a chiropractor, he’s probably going to need a good chiropractor soon.
The ‘Fab Five’ won the U.S. its first women’s gymnastics gold since the ‘Magnificent Seven’ in 1996. So if you missed it, don’t worry, we’re due for the ‘Terrific Three’ in 16 years or so.
Great Britain finally won a gold medal at the London Olympics, which is good, because even the British can only keep a stiff upper lip for so long.
As it turns out, in these Olympics all that glitters is something like 1% gold.
Giant panda baby! Giant panda baby! And, in other news, giant panda baby!
San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro will deliver the keynote address at the Democratic National Convention. So there’s at least one guy we can be sure won’t be Romney’s VP pick.
They’re going to try to land a rover named Curiosity on Mars. Not to worry. They promise it won’t kill any cats.
The Olympics may cost too much. Other things that “may” cost too much: having an honest talk with your Mom, an elliptical machine you’ll use twice and then ignore, and the dessert you said you’d split even though you know you’re going to eat the whole thing.
A granddaughter saved her grandfather who was drowning in the family’s pool. So one of the grandkids may be getting a slightly nicer themed sweater this Christmas.
In other Christmas news, the drought is damaging young Christmas trees, so you may be decorating a steel pole come Christmas 2018. If the robot overlords allow it.
An Ohio woman was caught breaking into a county jail. She was charged with un-obstructing justice.
One fund makes investments purely on superstitions. We hear it was doing just fine until it opened its umbrella policy indoors.
What goes best with waffles in the morning? Botox, silly.