“Having a gecko in your glove box does not, in fact, count as car insurance.”
1. Self checkout. (Because buying laxatives is nobody’s business but yours.)
2. The rubber grip on pens. (To prevent pesky index finger slippage.)
3. The little red string on Band-Aids. (Otherwise, how would we even begin to crack their complex packaging?)
4. People who give a wave in traffic. (They could give the bird. They choose not to.)
5. Fraternity keg parties. (No better way to catch a husband than on a sticky basement floor.)
“Hobos are lucky, ‘cuz that scruffy beard look is in right now.”
1) No celebrity status? No “Celebrity Fit Club.”
2) What happens in Vegas, doesn’t so much stay in Vegas. Not even a little bit.
3) I like to wear underwear.
4) Incriminating photos that may or may not exist from when I may or may not have had too much Boone’s Farm.
1) Too Much Self-Tanner Orange
2) Michael Jackson Off-White
3) Who Forgot to Flush Brown
4) Armpit Stain Yellow
5) Going Through a Goth Phase Black
“Physics can be fun, if you don’t have a very good idea of what fun is.”
“This one time at bland camp, nothing happened.”