- Bob & Weave
- Thrust & Perry
- Chuck & Upchuck
- Nixon & Agnew
- Daryl & The Other Daryl
- Chuck & I Forget, Which One’s Chuck?
- Chuck & Thing That Sorta Looks Like a Dog But Not Really
- Cute & Sometimes Depressing
It’s a cat.
Chew toys spell out, “I’m out to get you.”
Pees on every left shoe you own.
Keeps digging you-sized holes in the back yard.
Eying the wife.
Catch him under your car chewing through the brake line.
Bark sounds suspiciously like “Bye, sucker!”
Talking conspiratorially with New Jersey dog named Rocko.
When you say, “Roll over and play dead!” he shoots you an “I will if you will” look.
Won’t get out of the recliner.
Fetches stick. Of dynamite.
“Somebody save the lobbyists!”
“How can we blame this on the White House?”
“I have a constitutional right to hide under this desk!”
“How can we blame this on the Tea Party?”
“Where are my pants?”
“How can we blame this on illegal immigrants?”
“I think I just passed a bill.”
“How can we blame this on Liberals?”
“Which party is Mother Nature a member of?”
“How can we blame this on Conservatives?”
“The kickbacks are shaking right out of my wallet!”
- “I smell old pickles.”
- “That’s too big to be a dog poo.”
- “Can I talk to you about the Lord?”
- “Whose bloody fork is this?”
- “Pants off dance off!”
- “The voices told me to sit by you.”
- “He’s not sleeping, he’s waiting.”
- Wine cooler backwash
- Post-rain dog park
- Sun-warmed dumpster juice
- Your kid’s freshly removed broken arm cast
- Chalk (What? Some of us had to take summer school.)
- Sippy cup in a hot car
- Use flip-flops at the nail salon
- Trash bin nearest the county fair tilt-a-whirl
- 3-day-old wet bathing suit
- People who don’t have to work in the summer
- You know…maybe you’re right.
- That miniskirt looks great on you!
- Oh, what the heck, let’s splurge.
- Another round of appletinis.
- Clean out the gutters? Doesn’t the rain do that automatically?
- I have no idea where we are.
- Let’s all go to the health food market and get some tofurkey! Mom’s driving.
- These instructions sure are helpful.
- On second thought, you don’t need to change the oil in your car.
- It’s not an old sports injury. I just hurt myself weed-eating.
- Can anyone help me finish this beer?
- Let’s check the Internet.
- Could you turn on a few more lights before you leave the room?
- I do not know how much a gallon of gas costs these days.
- Let’s spend a couple hours catching up over the phone.
- You know what’s awesome? Tiramisu!
- It’s really worth it to pay extra for good jeans.
- What is this “Fox News” I keep hearing about?
- God, I miss Gilmore Girls.
- I’ll text you.
- Wanna hear how our family is like that rotting bowl of potato salad?
- Anyone know the age limit on emancipation?
- Does anyone have reams of genealogical research I can look at?
- How many beers has Uncle Bud had?
- When does the wet t-shirt contest begin?
- What are your exact thoughts on the doctrine of transubstantiation again?
- When’s the parole date?
- Who’re you backing in 2012?
- Whatever happened to that @#%$&* brother/sister/cousin of yours?
- What was it we were arguing about last time?
• What a long, strange trip it’s been. Signed, Your Alcoholic Math Teacher
• 2 Good
• Good luck doing whatever you nerds do in the summer.
• I’ll never forget high school! I will probably forget you, though.
• Change. Please change.
• See you at the local bar in 20 years when I’m rich & you’re still talking about the conference championship you almost won.
• Your suck-up skills will take you far.
• We should get together over the summer before college! You know what? That never happens.
• I’ll never forget you. Mostly because you threw up in gym class.
• Thanks for wasting our time! Love, The Faculty