The Real Americans
From the Heartland
Grandma’s Rocking Chair
The Be Stringers
Emo and the Poets
The Wild Blue Songsters
The Show Toons
The Frontstreet Boys
1) Produce your own weight in spit.
2) Weave a 20-foot rope from your own hair.
3) Watch Jersey Shore and not lose faith in humanity.
4) Eat more pizza than anyone on Team Six.
5) Pee when there are guys at urinals on both sides of you.
6) Get a 10 from Len on Dancing With the Stars.
8) Resist the almost irresistible temptation to jump to the head of the line at the frozen yogurt place by saying, “SEAL Team Seven member comin’ through!”
NEIL ARMSTRONG: “Take a jacket. It gets chilly up there on the moon at night.”
GEORGE CUSTER: “Wear clean underwear, just in case you have to get treated for sudden arrow holes.”
BARACK OBAMA: “Keep that birth certificate in a safe place. You never know when you might need it.”
LADY GODIVA: “Leave it long.”
LEWIS: “Take these sandwiches I made.”
CLARK: “Remember to make wee before you leave.”
DAVID FARRIGUT: “I don’t care how you feel about the torpedoes. We don’t use that word in this house.”
COLUMBUS: “Sit down. Your friends can wait until you finish your geography.”
“The dog just peed on your favorite shoe.”
“Your homemade stew tastes like vegetable glue.”
“The principal’s calling. It must be for you.”
“They misspelled ‘Mom’ in my buttcheek tattoo.”
“Meet my new boyfriend. He’s older than you.”
“Didn’t ask to be born, so now I’m gonna sue.”
“My rent’s overdue. Can I borrow from you?”
“What does it mean if the pee stick turns blue?”
* Little old ladies kept using them to smuggle out dinner rolls from restaurants
* The same thing that happened to wassail
* They looked kinda stupid on everyone
* Got so big, Moms had to sit in a pew by themselves
* Wiped out by the great bonnet plague
* Millions of Americans allergic to pastel
* They attract bees. Because they’re bonnets. Duh.
* Living on an island with hoop skirts and hammer pants
* Victim of frill embargo
* Replaced by Easter Hoodies
* Grandma’s teeth
* Substantial physical evidence that the cat got there first
* A gray hare
* Leftover Halloween candy
* Chick you promised to call but did not call
* Dandruff shampoo
* Hollow bunny (real, not chocolate)
* Your little brother’s fingerprints
* Hides-the-Cheeto-Dust Orange
* Dad-Pays-More-Attention-To-My-Sister Black
* Greener Than My Composting Hippie Neighbor
* Red-straining Order
* Betty Ford Clinic
* The History of Breakfast Museum
* The Hotel California
* An unmarked van
* The Precious Moments Chapel
* Narnia, where it’s always winter (but never Christmas)
* Your unsuspecting neighbor’s toolshed
* The Senior Community Center’s wet t-shirt contest
* Texas Hold ‘Ems
* Chattanooga Cheaters
* City College of New York Ca-razy Commuters
* Texas S & M
* Kansas Jay Lenos
* Ball State (already funny as-is)
* New Orleans Nawlins
* Rockmount Correctional Facility Saints
* New Jersey Stereotypes
* Do just a wee bit o’ work.
* Wear a button that says, “Shake my hand, I’m Irish!”
* Kiss the Blarney Stone. FYI, Blarney Stone works in payroll and is not opposed to making out.
* Roll-y office chair parade.
* Do a little Riverdancing in the elevator while trying not to spill your coffee.
* Pick only teams that wear green to win your NCAA bracket.
* Break out that potato-scented cologne you’ve been saving.
* Have a big frosty mug of root beer at lunch! It’s a kind of beer and it’s foamy and…oh, who am I kidding?