Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card. Here, we feature the other 80%. Nothing tests one’s character like coming upon a steamroller with keys in the ignition. May your birthday be filled with unexpected opportunities. ___________________ If it helps, your boyfriend was never as cute as you thought he was. Sorry about the break up. ___________________ Remember that kids’ movie about a bear made of razors who would make himself real small so he could hide in your shoes and cut your toes? No? Maybe I dreamed that. Carry on. ___________________ I’m just one huge plastic ball away from unleashing my new Beer Kong game upon the world. Don’t ask me how I got the giant ape. Hope your birthday’s all the rage. ___________________ Some people drop their grandpas off on distant country roads and never return... Those people must not have grandpas like you.

"Saying, 'I have friends in Washington,' doesn't have as much bite to it when one of those friends is in real estate and the other is a male nurse." - Mark

(Today's news is not being brought to you by Danny Trejo, but how awesome would it be if it were?) If Jesse James and Kat Von D can't make it work, well, at least they'll probably get a couple cool tattoos right on... whatever isn't already tattooed. The trapped Chilean miners have sent up a new video that shows them well and in good spirits, and said one psychologist, “well into the show tune choreography stage of isolation syndrome.” The wife of one of the trapped miners met the mistress of the trapped miner  at the vigil sight above ground.  In a couple of months the miner will get to meet the lawyer of the wife and the mistress. A lost python is coming home which is good news unless you're one of the people it's going to slowly crush and then eat by dislocating its jaw and painstakingly swallowing you whole. The most humane way to euthanize a beached whale is to blow it to bits with explosives, says the 11-year-old boy down the street who doesn’t otherwise talk much.  And no one asked him about the whales, he just knocked on your door and told you and then just stood there. Paris Hilton says she’s ignoring the “ridiculous, cruel rumors” of yet another drunk driving arrest, cocaine possession, and a ban from most Las Vegas hotels.  She says the rumors were started by a police officer who had arrested her for drunk driving and then found cocaine on her just after she had been kicked out of yet another Las Vegas hotel. Kia Motors is recalling a year model of its cars because of a tendency to catch fire.  How will you know if your car has this problem?  Said a spokesperson, “Oh believe me, you’ll know.” A beer truck overturned but was not immediately swarmed with attractive young people and a DJ and either a bracing snow storm or a tropical beach, so... maybe TV has been misleading us?

* Hmmm. Those pix are just… hmmm * How cute, I guess * I love these whistling monkey photos * Awwww! Who knew a leaky condom would turn out so cute! * Enough with the friggin' baby. I need help on Farmville! * Looks just like Daddy!  No, not your husband… Daddy * Wow!  That head must've... well, that's a big head! * Do you have better pics, or are these the best ones? * Blah, blah cute! Blah, blah adorable! When are we going out for beers? * Your attempt to save your failing marriage is beautiful * Congats on your baby. And on getting laid. Finally * That's the best dried-potato doll I've seen in a long time * Boy, you can't miss that birthmark!

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“Even if my cat could do it, I don’t think he’d bother to sort the recycling.” - Chris C.

Steve Jobs says those silly TV networks will eventually crumble before the awesome power of the mighty Internet, but we’ll have to wait for future comic books to find out how. Automakers reported weak sales for August. Said one automaker, “Whoopie! We had sales!” Paris and her boyfriend have been banned from a couple of Las Vegas casinos.  Because they are so smart that they can literally count the cards and are unbeatable at… nah, it’s the drug thing. adltz may suum b txt as much a teen@ but thay r not as fats or acurbte. The baseball season is heating up, or as we call it in Kansas City, winding down, which is as good a time as any to remind everyone why they should resent Derek Jeter. Novelty lighters can no longer be sold in Massachusetts. So good luck finding that one shaped like a tiny Pilgrim. Doesn’t it seem like Stink Bug season comes sooner and sooner each year? A Minnesota mayor who has been charged with drunk driving explained that he is an alcoholic.  Due to this, he is now being groomed for a federal office because he’ll be much more comfortable in Washington. In his new memoir, former British Prime Minister Tony Blair praises former President Bush for his “immense simplicity,” because the British think that all Americans are too stupid to realize what an insult that is. Joe Biden was on hand to announce the command transfer in Iraq.  U.S. military officials hope the transition will look smooth when standing next to Biden.

"I used to always refuse people when they offered me treats. I thought it was the polite thing to say, 'No, thanks!' Recently I figured out you’re allowed to say 'Okay,' if you really want one. Just don’t go overboard, though." Serving a summer stint as a Hallmark humor writer, Anne the Intern loves Espanol. Lujoso! Ensalada!

"Butt dimples are just proof that every part of me can smile." - Melissa