November 30, 2007
1:22 pm
1:14 pm
Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card.
Here, we feature the other 80%.
Your love makes me want to sing!
Why would your love want to do something so horrible? Your love is a bad judge of music.
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I’ve tried killing people with kindness before, but it’s never worked. They still continued being fully functioning bastards.
And how is work with you?
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My policy on laser eye surgery: keep my eyes in the exact crummy shape they’re in, rather than allow them to be WHITTLED DOWN INTO SIGHTLESS LUMPS OF SMOKING JELLY by the same technology that can bore holes through the side of a BANK VAULT.
Sorry I missed your birthday. Didn’t see it coming.
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Just because we’re married, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have “date nights” with each other.
Lose the smirk, pal.
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Mom, I’ve crossed my eyes for hours at a time and they didn’t stay that way.
Can we try to make it through your birthday without any of your lies?
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Which one of us do you think would win in a bake-off?
Yes! You! I agree.
Now bake us something.
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Daughter, I think it’s time we had “the talk.”
I waited until after you had kids so I wouldn’t have so much explaining to do.
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Have I told you lately that I love you?
Okay, but sober?
10:53 am
Twenty years ago, a guy in Minnesota lost his ID bracelet. It remained missing until a meat cutter found it in the gizzard of a chicken. Ironic thing is the guy recently found a egg in his jewelry drawer.
The New York Times lists the ten best books of 2007, but don't feel bad, we probably won't read them either.
Hollywood studios have sent a new offer to striking writers: "You come back work, we pay more moneys." Oh, man, are those studios desperate for writers!
Americans are moving to different states at the highest rate since the 1980s. The moves are motivated by job opportunities, demographic preference, and an overwhelming desire to pop bubble wrap. Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!
A man in Korea confessed to accidentally killing a co-worker with a construction vehicle, even though authorities thought the man was killed by his cell phone. Makers of the cell phone say their products are rigorously tested and would never be sold if one was deemed able to drive a construction vehicle with malicious intent.
Dead people are donating millions in campaign contributions. And judging from the debates earlier this week, a few are even running for office.
Marie Osmond has added a line of dolls to her QVC collection featuring costumes like the ones she wore on “Dancing With the Stars.” When you pull a hidden string on the back, they don’t dance very well but make the finals anyway.
Posted by cskoru2 - Labels: Newsdroppings
The New York Times lists the ten best books of 2007, but don't feel bad, we probably won't read them either.
Hollywood studios have sent a new offer to striking writers: "You come back work, we pay more moneys." Oh, man, are those studios desperate for writers!
Americans are moving to different states at the highest rate since the 1980s. The moves are motivated by job opportunities, demographic preference, and an overwhelming desire to pop bubble wrap. Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!
A man in Korea confessed to accidentally killing a co-worker with a construction vehicle, even though authorities thought the man was killed by his cell phone. Makers of the cell phone say their products are rigorously tested and would never be sold if one was deemed able to drive a construction vehicle with malicious intent.
Dead people are donating millions in campaign contributions. And judging from the debates earlier this week, a few are even running for office.
Marie Osmond has added a line of dolls to her QVC collection featuring costumes like the ones she wore on “Dancing With the Stars.” When you pull a hidden string on the back, they don’t dance very well but make the finals anyway.
9:32 am
8:12 am
People With Whom You Should Never Play "Got Your Nose"
by Chris C.
1. The cop who is asking for your license and registration
2. The judge who is sentencing you for “assaulting an officer”
3. Your new cellmate
4. The prison doctor who is de-shanking you
5. Children
Posted by cskoru2 - Labels: Chris C., Things We've Learned
by Chris C.
1. The cop who is asking for your license and registration
2. The judge who is sentencing you for “assaulting an officer”
3. Your new cellmate
4. The prison doctor who is de-shanking you
5. Children
8:00 am
7:58 am
"Maybe jerk chicken would be less of a jerk if he could learn to not always say what's on his mind. It's called a filter, jerk."
—Dee Ann
Posted by cskoru2 - Labels: Dee Ann, Quote of the Day
—Dee Ann
November 29, 2007
1:01 pm
by Mark
Can you hear me now?
My phone at work seems to be a bit presumptuous. This particular model has a digital display that lists my alleged “current options”. My phone doesn’t even know me. At least not the “real me”. So how can it presume to know what my current options are? I mean, nowhere does it say, “Lie your head on your desk and silently weep,” which always seems like a pretty good option to me. Until my phone starts displaying some sort of a degree in sociology, or psychology, I’ll be seeking advice on my current options elsewhere.
Posted by cskoru2 - Labels: Mark, Senseless Postings
Can you hear me now?
My phone at work seems to be a bit presumptuous. This particular model has a digital display that lists my alleged “current options”. My phone doesn’t even know me. At least not the “real me”. So how can it presume to know what my current options are? I mean, nowhere does it say, “Lie your head on your desk and silently weep,” which always seems like a pretty good option to me. Until my phone starts displaying some sort of a degree in sociology, or psychology, I’ll be seeking advice on my current options elsewhere.
12:30 pm
A new service enables Londoners to find public toilets with their cell phones. You just dial up the service, then press Number 1 or Number 2.
The Broadway stagehands strike ended when several reserved looking businesspeople burst through the doors of the negotiation room for a big ensemble number.
In other strike news, late night talk shows are reaching way back with the re-runs due to the writers' strike. A fun game to play at home is "guess the year of the episode by the darkness of Jay Leno's hair."
A European space probe says that there's lightning on Venus. Then it said something else, which was lost in a phlegmy smoker's cough, and then the probe tried to hit on Venus, even though they're both married. Those Euros!
CNN ran the caption “Who Killed Him?” over a feature about the very-much-alive Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Fortunately, ever since CNN tarted up the anchorwomen, nobody reads those captions anyway.
Scientists are looking at paintings from the past to study climate change. The 19th-century Impressionists show that the sun had a reddish tinge, but by the time of Picasso it had three eyes, goat horns, and strummed an eleven-string guitar.
Jennifer Love Hewitt has gotten engaged. Her actor fiancé is said to have asked for a pre-nuptial agreement in which he would retain visitation rights with her breasts.
Over in Scotland, the government paid an ad agency over $250,000 to come up with a new slogan to encourage tourism. After six months, the agency came up with “Welcome to Scotland.” No kidding. Apparently they didn’t like our suggestions: “You Didn’t Visit Scotland? Would It Have Kilt You?” or “Great Scot!...um…land.”
Posted by cskoru2 - Labels: Newsdroppings
The Broadway stagehands strike ended when several reserved looking businesspeople burst through the doors of the negotiation room for a big ensemble number.
In other strike news, late night talk shows are reaching way back with the re-runs due to the writers' strike. A fun game to play at home is "guess the year of the episode by the darkness of Jay Leno's hair."
A European space probe says that there's lightning on Venus. Then it said something else, which was lost in a phlegmy smoker's cough, and then the probe tried to hit on Venus, even though they're both married. Those Euros!
CNN ran the caption “Who Killed Him?” over a feature about the very-much-alive Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Fortunately, ever since CNN tarted up the anchorwomen, nobody reads those captions anyway.
Scientists are looking at paintings from the past to study climate change. The 19th-century Impressionists show that the sun had a reddish tinge, but by the time of Picasso it had three eyes, goat horns, and strummed an eleven-string guitar.
Jennifer Love Hewitt has gotten engaged. Her actor fiancé is said to have asked for a pre-nuptial agreement in which he would retain visitation rights with her breasts.
Over in Scotland, the government paid an ad agency over $250,000 to come up with a new slogan to encourage tourism. After six months, the agency came up with “Welcome to Scotland.” No kidding. Apparently they didn’t like our suggestions: “You Didn’t Visit Scotland? Would It Have Kilt You?” or “Great Scot!...um…land.”
12:17 pm
