Exxon Mobil has reported 2nd quarter profits of $11.68 billion, the biggest ever for an American corporation. When asked if this might lead to lower prices at the pump, executives answered, “You’re adorable!”

The McCain campaign has released ads portraying Obama as a celebrity. Obama plans to launch a fierce counterattack, as soon as he’s met with his agent – uh, campaign manager.

Obama has warned that McCain might try to scare voters by saying Obama “doesn’t look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills.” McCain, however, would know, having grown up with several of them.

As a representative of a new generation of Buddhists, 27-year-old Gedun Gyatso has “challenged” the Dalai Lama in what is sure to be the lamest cage fight ever.

The world’s oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 B.C., according to a university in England. It begins, “Stone me if you’ve heard this one….”

People who overthink things might unknowingly be protecting themselves from dementia, according to new research. Wait—how much overthinking? A lot? Or just some? A little? And what do they mean by “protecting?” Protecting how?

An M.I.T. grad student has invented a “smart shoe” that detects balance problems, and could help the elderly avoid harmful falls. But so far, after testing on college students, the shoe can only tell how drunk you are.

The salmonella outbreak that’s sickened 1,300 people since April has been traced to a pepper farm in Mexico. Oh, Montezuma, when will your thirst for revenge be sated?

A “fishgator” has been caught in a lake in Phoenix. More proof that after a couple of whiskey sours, a gator will hit on anything.

In a new interview, Jessica Simpson says she has “definitely experienced abuse.” Sources close to her don’t know if it was from seeing herself on The Newlyweds or in The Dukes of Hazzard.

* Michigan-y

* milky

* cool ranch

* sadness

* Aunt Thora’s housecoat

* kibble

* nonalcoholic-y

* political

"I take the subway every day and I haven’t lost a pound."
–Dee Ann

There was a 5.4 earthquake in California yesterday. So look for lots of stars showing off their new blurry tattoos.

Here’s a video that shows how the earthquake in California yesterday interrupted the taping of “Family Court with Judge Penny.” Further proof that God is also tired of the current TV line-up.

The earthquake is being described as relatively small , but Hollywood plans to augment it with a much larger one made out of life-like plastic.

President Bush signed a comprehensive housing bill today. Which is good because, in a few months, he’s gonna need to move.

Congressman Barney Frank said today that law enforcement should stop prosecuting responsible marijuana users . Law enforcement responded by saying they don’t prosecute responsible marijuana users because they have yet to find any.

Venerable (It means “old”) comic Jerry Lewis has been cited for carrying a handgun onto a plane. Authorities confiscated both the gun and the little flag that pops out of the barrel with “Bang!” written on it.

Dunkin’ Donuts says they’re gonna start offering healthier menu items . Course, when you specialize in crème-filled chocolate donuts, pretty much anything qualifies as healthier.

20 thousand dollar-a-month Lotto winner Kevin Federline says he "can't complain". He got to sleep with a pre-crazy Britney Spears, and then he won the custody lottery so, yeah, he's doing ok. Don't worry about Kevin.

A UK man accused of computer hacking will be extradicted to the United States. The accused, Gary McKinnon, claims to have been hunting for information on UFOs, which is easy to find if he would just turn on the totally-factual SciFi Channel.

The Rolling Stones have signed with a new label in a deal set to last 18 months or as long as they live, whichever comes first.

Mike Bannon, Cambridge, ON

See 17 other damn funny cards here and vote for your favorite!

It's a guy thing

Nevermind. It was just a squirrel

Take it to the gas station with you

Don't know much about art, but I know how it tastes

Maybe in YOUR village

"Every time the credit-card reader takes an extra few seconds
to approve me, I wonder if my past has finally caught up with me."
-Chris C