Barack Obama’s 30-minute infomercial topped the network primetime ratings this week. Tune in Tuesday night to find out if he’s been voted off or if he’ll be coming back in January!
Looks like John McCain might be appearing on Saturday Night Live this weekend, which is not scheduled to be funny again until the primaries of 2012.
An archaeologist has discovered the oldest known piece of Hebrew writing. It appears to be a letter from a mother to her children, that says, “I’ve invented writing so maybe you can contact me occasionally. I mean, would it kill you to find out how your mother is doing every once in a while?”
The vaunted Blue Angels flying squad will be one jet short after a man and woman for the team were grounded for an “inappropriate relationship.” Apparently, somebody had their flaps down at the wrong time.
In England, they’re seeking pardons for witches who were executed between the 16th and 18th centuries. Which is good, since the victims are getting tired of waiting. Oh yeah, they’re still around. They’re witches.
Here are “Six Things Not To Do On a First Date.” Sadly, from personal experience we can add “Throw up.”
Time has named a retail DNA test as its best invention of 2008. The test allows anyone to find out their genetic predisposition for a variety of traits, like baldness, arthritis, and buy anythingness.
Kim Kardashian dressed up as Wonder Woman for Halloween. Funny, because if there's one person in the world you don't have to wonder is a woman, it's Kim Kardashian.
Two minor earthquakes that shook Dallas are being disputed by Texans who want even their earthquakes to be bigger than everyone else's.
A cat is doing fine after being shot in the head with a crossbow, just in case you needed further proof that cats are possessed by demons. 
Well, that new Barack Obama sit-com that debuted last night was certainly a let-down. Didn’t laugh once.
After four years of negotiating, Netflix has teamed up with TiVo. So now you can put your favorite DVD at the top of your queue and fast-forward two days till it arrives in your mailbox.
In five games, the Philadelphia Phillies have won their first World Series since 1980. Just think, the last time they won, Cloris Leachman was already pretty darn old.
A guy in Canada has written a book in which each chapter uses only one vowel. To which we ask, sometimes, "y?"
Exxon Mobil has posted its biggest quarterly profit ever. Proof that whatever the price of a barrel, you the consumer are over it.
More and more people are hitting deer with their cars. In retaliation, look out for bears armed with shovels.
An 82-year-old man has been accused of trading drugs for sex. No, not Hef.
The rumor is that Rock Band is going to put out an all-Beatles edition of the game in 2009. Fans will be able to play guitar like John or George, play bass like Paul, play drums like Ringo, and banshee screech like Yoko.
The economic crunch means even rich people are cutting back on luxuries. This would be sad if anyone cared about rich people. Which they don't.
Barack Obama will be airing a 30-minute infomercial on several major networks tonight. We’re not surprised by the enormous spending involved with a half-our tv spot, but keeping us from our favorite shows for a half-hour is shocking, and bordering on unforgivable.
Sarah Palin plans to fly home to Alaska to cast her vote. Joe Biden offered to provide the broom.
College student voters are weighing serious issues this election season, with the banking bailout, taxes, ethics, and rising unemployment all top of mind for these young people who are about to enter the working world, and will continue to weigh on them until they wake up hung over on Wednesday, November 5th and realize they forgot to vote.
A man drove a stolen Lexus to court for his hearing on a previous stolen car charge. We’re guessing he didn’t swing by to pick up his Mensa membership card on the way.
Paris Hilton has made another video about her fake bid for the Presidency, proving to the world yet again that there is such a thing as too much free time.
Cloris Leachman was eliminated from Dancing With the Stars last night on a technicality. Turns out she’s 82 and can’t dance.
Leachman says she’s disappointed, but promises to find new ways to keep annoying America.
Tara Reid has told People Magazine that she’s not perfect. Not to worry, though. All the other stars you love are still perfect in every way.
The retrial of music producer Phil Spector in the death of actress Lana Clarkson has begun. If acquitted on the murder charges, he could still face life in prison for the hair.
Elvis Presley, who is dead, made $52 million last year. Still, dying is not a recommended career move. 
