newsman-32Good news!  Opening difficult packages is no longer the single greatest challenge facing middle class Americans!  Welcome back, Stubborn Stains, you’re #1 again!

Democrats are launching an 11-city bus tour in support of President Obama’s health care initiative. Because no place says “Healthy living!” like a bus terminal.

Researchers say an experimental drug cuts your chances of suffering a stroke.  Other experimental drugs will raise your chances of seeing God.

The Internet is turning 40.  This is causing unforeseen computer glitches all over the world as hard drives suddenly turn floppy.

Exercise may be better than angioplasty for some heart patients.  Health insurance executives responded by telling doctors, “Ix-nay on the exercise-ay!”

Turns out the Kennedy family’s money has helped fuel its political agenda.  Money in politics?  What’s next, prostitution in brothels?

Apparently the answer to when the recession will end can be found in men’s underpants. So expect it to be shorter than they say it will be.

British police are looking at the death of Rolling Stones founder Brian Jones, 40 years after he was found dead in his swimming pool. “Um, yes,” said a police spokesman, “we’ve been meaning to get to that. Frightfully busy.”

Today’s college students are beginning to wonder if college is really worth it, thus making them just like every college student ever.

A category 4 hurricane has formed over the Pacific and is headed toward Baja, where residents are said to be “totally stoked for some tasty waves,” until the 145 mile per hour winds leave them “crushed,” “bummed,” and hopefully not “dead.”

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