President Obama said nice things about Gandhi in India.  Bold.  He also plans to say nice things about bacon in Canada, and nice things about wooden shoes in Holland.

There are actually quite a lot of ways a story headlined “Dancing Queen Rocks India” could go, but it turns out to be about Michelle Obama.

The USDA, while continually warning Americans about the dangers of saturated fat, is actively pushing sales of cheese. Because, hey, what’s the use of having two faces if you’re not going to use them both?

They’re reviewing new security proposals for the Washington Monument, after nixing our idea of having the whole thing sink into the ground, and then blast off into space.

A sailboat crashed into a restaurant.  No one was hurt and no one really cares about what happens to rich people and their sailboats.  At least not anyone who’s sitting in a cubicle on a beautiful fall day trying to find any news story worth writing a joke about.

The robots patrolling a national security site report that there is nothing to worry about.  At all.  Back to your coffee and donuts, humans!  Hum your nonsensical melodies while the robots do nothing evil or plot-like, because we are your friends!  We love you, humans!  We love you to death!

It’s the 35th anniversary of the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Stuck in your head now, isn’t it? You’re welcome.

People love George Bush now and are looking forward to buying his book because we have the attention span of – Hey! – Someone’s making cinnamon toast!

There’s also a new biography of Joe Biden, causing angry trees to lament, “We lost Uncle Oakey for this?”