Guess who doesn’t like President Obama’s proposed budget reductions? Democrats! (Gotcha!) Guess who’s rubbing their hands together and snickering with glee? Republicans. (Okay, that one was easy.)

General Motors says they plan to build more cars overseas, to which Sarah Palin said, “betcha wish ya had a bridge about now, doncha?”

They’re going to re-open the crown of the Statue of Liberty to visitors this Fourth of July because it’s the only chance that a man will ever have to get into a woman’s head.

In Mexico, the Swine Flu alert level has been lowered from Sunburned to Pasty.

French colleges are being disrupted and even shut down by student strikes that have been going on for months. Asked to comment, one official said something that sounded like, “Fwa-fwa, fa-fwa-fwa,” but no one here speaks French.

“24” star Kiefer Sutherland has been charged with assault after head-butting a fashion designer at a nightclub. During the assault, Sutherland was heard saying, “what are you wearing after 5, pocket kerchief or ascot?! Tell me! We’re running out of time!”

It’s opening weekend for the new “Star Trek” movie, so you better hope you don’t need any tech support for the next few days.

Drinkingcoffeeisgoodforyou!Ha!Yes!Vindicated!Nowmustdrinkmuchmuchmorecoffee
becauseofgoodness!Alsomustpeeinendlesspee/drink/peecycle!Goodforus!Yay!

David Hasselhoff posted a dangerously high blood-alcohol level in what authorities are calling a dramatic attempt to forget he’s David Hasselhoff.

Don’t forget your Mom on Sunday. She has ways of making you feel guilty that you’ve never even dreamed of.