“I love the earth. But I have to have my hairspray. And my car.” – Allyson

This season’s cast of “Dancing With the Stars” includes the former athlete, the one who’s probably too old but might surprise you, the one who everybody already knows can really dance, the one who everybody already knows can’t dance at all, the one who used to be married to somebody and the one everybody will watch the first episode to see. We are so there. Fidel Castro says he was at death’s door, but he thinks that death turned off all the lights and pretended not to be home until Castro got tired of waiting and left. Glenn Beck apparently wants to be the new leader of the religious right, except some of them don’t really accept him because he’s a Mormon. The future looks bright for Newsdroppings. This photo gallery of Emmy attendees begins with Christina Hendricks, from Mad Men.  Then there are others, presumably. Paris Hilton says she thought the drugs she is charged with possessing were not drugs at all, but gum.  Of course, as anyone who was not allowed in grades K-12 to have gum can tell you, it’s also kind of a drug. If there is a cure for Clooney Fever (and there isn’t), we do not want to hear about the cure for Clooney Fever. Hurricane Earl is threatening the US, which is having a tough time being scared of anything named “Earl." Your Insane Clown Posse shirt may be illegal.  Of course, for most ICP fans, that’s the least illegal thing they’ll have to worry about all day. A chimp escaped from a zoo in Oklahoma, after painstakingly using a spoon to carve out a hole behind his poster of Bubbles the Chimp. Lindsay Lohan wants her career back. And, apparently, her shirt.

My eyes! They're bleeding!! Quitting never looked so good. Chewy awesomeness. Y'all need to stop mispronounciating these. No, really. This is not a joke.

President Obama says he can’t go through life with his birth certificate plastered to his forehead. Although the “Kick Me!” sign the Republicans plastered to his back seems fairly permanent. Nobody can agree on the size of the crowd that attended the big Glenn Beck rally in Washington over the weekend, but everybody agrees it was between one and infinity. “Mad Men” took its third straight Emmy last night. Geez, you’d think they’d be a little less mad. The original Kermit the Frog puppet has been donated to the Smithsonian. We apologize if you thought he was real. Ryan Reynolds and Bradley Cooper are teaming up for a movie that we’re pretty sure will be called “Ab Cops!” or possibly “Ab Doctors!” But probably “Ab Cops!” BP wants you to remember that they’re doing stuff.  And not evil stuff.  Good stuff, that helps people, just like every multi-billion dollar corporation. A new study that says drinking is better than not drinking is quickly becoming the favorite study of some of us.  Not all of us, but, for sure, some of us. An inmate has been accidentally released from prison due to a paperwork mix-up.  He was also able to use a coupon that had expired nearly a week ago, so this guy is on some kind of roll! If you want to know the best places to see a movie in Paris, you’re way too rich to be hanging out with the likes of us. Move along, Richie Rich.

"I need a vacation or a martini, and I'm out of vacation days." – Bill

After The Switch and Eating and Praying and Loving, I gotta say I was glad to see an action movie where there's, you know, action, and Takers is a bill fitter.  If you have an action bill.  There's a classic, "getting all the guns loaded and pulling on our ski-masks together" scene, a couple of shoot-outs where someone is clearly not going to get that deposit back, and lots of tense yelling into tiny microphones.  But I was mainly looking forward to this movie because of Idris Elba.  Elba is like a taller, more English, potentially scarier Cheadle, and I think you know how I feel about Cheadle.  If you've seen Elba on The Office or, even better, on The Wire, you might not know he has an English accent.  It comes and goes a little here, but it's like someone added more coolness right at the last minute, kind of like powdered sugar on brownies, for example. There's a sort of criminal accountant (C-CPA) played by Johnathon Schaech.  My resolution to not let unpronounceable (by me) names stop me from appreciating certain actors (hello, Chiwetel Ejiofor!) is really tested with this guy.  He's one of a group of actors I made an effort to distinguish in the late '90s and I could never get a handle on him, and I really can't see forgiving that first name.  People come from all over and go all over, I get it.  Maybe "aech" is totally common somewhere. But John-a-thon sounds like an extended charity event, doesn't it? Like we're going to find a cure for John, no matter how long it takes? Better to focus on Chris Brown and his emerging Parkour skills.  It's becoming de rigueur in action movies and he does a nice job of it in an extended chase scene.  He says he trained, but he's young enough to make it sound like that was simple.  It wouldn't be for most of us.  In fact, our time would probably be better spent eating brownies dusted with powdered sugar. Editor's Note: Hallmark Cards has a strategic relationship with Sony Pictures.

Only about 20% of what gets turned in gets accepted and becomes a Shoebox card. Here, we feature the other 80%. Being a mom has made me so much more responsible... I NEVER forget my birth control now. ___________________ Pioneer moms had it much harder than we do. They lived in brutal conditions with no appliances, and their men smelled terrible. I'm basing this on one weekend of camping, but I'm certain it's right. ___________________ Babies are little bits of heaven... ... if you don't sleep in heaven. ___________________ Experts say we should treat our kids with dignity and respect. Which can be hard to do with someone who's been known to poop in the bathtub. ___________________ Motherhood often requires kissing a few boo-boos... ... and, every now and then, having to divorce one of them.

"Is it bad that my tummy tuck fund is bigger than my kid's college fund? Actually, don't answer that." - Cat